- Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
- Trembling or shaking
- Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
- Feelings of choking
- Chest pain or discomfort
- Nausea or abdominal distress
- Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
- Chills or heat sensations
- Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
- Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
- Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
- Fear of dying
Sunday, September 25, 2016
It started with Kung Fu Panda 3. Zach had seen it and wanted to watch it with me this summer. It was pure awesomeness!!!!! That was before I saw who voiced the characters. That day we ran out and got Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2. We watched them too. Also pure awesomeness!!! So Zach wanted to try the Hotel Transylvania movies. More awesomeness. Later, I found out who voiced the characters.
These two movie franchises have the following in common:
1. Strong stories
2. Important lessons
3. Well written stories
4. Relatable characters even in a small way
6. Dead Moms
Okay, the dead mom thing is very not awesome but it got me thinking. In a lot of kids TV shows the mom has died and the kids are being raised by a single dad. It also made me watch commercials more closely.
In the past, commercials about cleaning and parenting featured either a mom or both parents. These days, they are more likely to feature the dad. Some of them don't even mention a mom. It makes me think about why that is.
Dad's today are more involved. Great!!! But, then why is there a higher percentage of single dads in the media then in real life? Because it's safer to feature the dads. When it's sexist to feature women, it's safe to feature men.
Years ago a dish soap company featured a TV ad. "Women everywhere are throwing away their gloves". They received some backlash for the sexist wording. So they kept the same video and changed it to "People everywhere are throwing away their gloves".
I love how Hotel Transylvania talks about prejudice and acceptance. These are big things that are long term issues in our society. Kudos to Adam Sandler for these movies and teaching people about accepting those that look and act different from you!
The Shrek franchise was another whole-family friendly franchise. Disney movies tend to be whole-family friendly too. One example is Frozen. We watched Beauty and the Beast the day we picked up the newly framed painting Beauty and the Beast Falling In Love. (see previous post or wait until the "Home Gallery Tour" post).
Minions, Angry Birds, and others. There are a lot more movies in this category then their used to be. Production companies, writers, actors, and more have discovered that the key to a successful kids movie is one the adults can enjoy too. TV has also learned this lesson.
You enjoy it as a family, you can talk about it later as a family, and it becomes something you have in common. A shared positive experience. A dinner conversation topic once you get passed "what did you do today?" answer "nothing".
Please entertainment industry, keep them coming!!! Just start including Moms too!!! Yeah, that would be great!
Thursday, September 22, 2016
It was third grade. The 1989 - 1990 school year. I have always been small for my age. I also was a very quiet and shy person. Scared of authority even when I wasn't doing anything wrong. That sentence came from the substitute Art teacher. We were learning about Pointillism. Making pictures through dots.
Our regular Art teacher was on maternity leave. Mrs. J. was always one of those people I felt comfortable around. The substitute made me nervous. I don't know why. She was very nice and caring. That comment was out of concern. Was I okay? No, I wasn't.
It was a panic attack. One of many in my life. Every once in a while that sentence pops into my head. I still remember exactly where I was sitting in the classroom too. Maybe that's because Mrs. J. was always a comfort person for me.
When it comes to people I instantly get an instinct about them. Most people I have to be around for a while before I am comfortable with them. Others, I'm instantly comfortable around. When a panic attack hits, these are the people that help stop it quicker. Finally, is the group of people I will never be comfortable around.
I started shaking yesterday. I was doing the library at Zach's school. Convulsing is probably a more accurate word. Uncontrollable and only visible to anyone close to me. But, there was not a way to tell what made them start. I looked down at my hand and heard it again in my memory.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
About a month ago I ended up in the ER with a panic attack. Zach jumped on my back in 5ft at the town pool. One problem, I'm 5' 3" and swallowed a lot of water. I had read about dry drowning and was very scared. Dry drowning is when you are out of the water but have water in your lungs and start drowning. It could happen hours after swimming. Tests showed that I was fine, just a panic attack. I had to stay until I calmed down.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
Yes. While writing this I am shaking. I shake quite often. Most of the time, it doesn't get in the way of living. But, it does when it's like what happened yesterday. I'm not even sure yesterday was a panic attack. I don't know what would have caused it. But, I was resting while Zach and his classmates were being read to. Sitting on a chair at the desk. Visibly shaking for no apparent reason.
Panic attack symptoms are hard to identify. So many of them are symptoms of something else. I often don't know "if it's something real or a panic attack". When I said that in the ER the nurse corrected me. "Panic attacks are real too. They are just as important as other things."
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
Yes. I do a lot of things to try to calm down. If I'm home and available, I take Tylenol and sit up in bed until my body calms down. The last time I did this Zach brought me a stuffed animal to help make me feel better. What I needed was his other action. He was absolutely perfect while I calmed down. No parenting stress during that time.
I am feeling 9 of them right now. It's time to try that bed rest thing. Sometimes, I know what has triggered my panic attack. I take measures to avoid panic causing situations. But, other times, they hit from out of the blue without an identifiable cause.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
That substitute had shoulder length strait blond hair, bangs, and blue eyes. She was about my parent's age. At that point, she had become our regular Art teacher. I was passed the point of being nervous over who would fill in for a favorite teacher. That wasn't the trigger that day.
Sometimes when I look down at my hands, they shrink in my mind. To the size of a nine year old's. A tiny 9 year old. Trying to stop the shaking so she can do what she is supposed to in Art class. Feeling like she let her teacher down over something she can't control. But, I didn't let the teacher down. She was just concerned about it.
The shaking never stops. It just eases a bit. I never really know what causes my panic attacks. I don't think they are ever over. They just have times when they are worse then normal.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
I'd stop it if I could!!!
Sunday, September 18, 2016
I've been at it for a few months now. Only yesterday, with that comment, I realized how much French I actually know. It's still not enough to carry on a grammatically correct conversation. But, I know enough where a French person might be able to generally know what I am talking about.
By personal definition there are three levels of speaking a language:
1. know the words most people do
2. Can't converse without sounding like a caveperson, but can be understood
By "know the words most people do" I am talking the basics. Words that most people recognize. These are languages where you might know less then ten words, but you probably wouldn't even be able to identify that exact language if you heard it. You also wouldn't be able to even attempt a conversation in this language.
When I say "Can't converse without sounding like a caveperson, but can be understood" I mean basically that. If I am talking to someone where either French or Spanish is their primary language, there is a chance they can understand what I mean. Even if I'm not using grammatically correct language. I'm far from fluent, but I know more then the bare bones basics. You can attempt a conversation. It would be hard, but do-able.
I might also be using some words wrong. Example, "Je amour mon fils" should be "I love my son". Je = I, amour = love mon = my and fils = son. Yet, "J'aime mon fils" (pronounced: jay mon feese) is really "I love my son" I might do this when I know individual words but not the proper sentences. However, a French person would know what I meant if I said " Je amour mon fils". It's wrong, but they would know.
These are the languages you know letters, numbers, nouns, verbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, colors, family names, ect...... and some basic phrases. They are also the languages you can identify when you see and/or hear it. You might not know all of the words, but you can correctly identify what you are hearing and/or reading as that language.
"J'aime mon fils" is "I love my son" in French. ("fille" pronounced "feel" is daughter)
"Amo a mi hijo" is "I love my son" in Spanish. ("hija" pronounced "E-ha" is daughter)
Do I really need to give an example of what I mean by "fluent"? Oh, right, I just did! I am currently only fluent in English. My goal is to become fluent in:
Mandarin and American Sign Language were on that list. They are too hard for "fluent" without taking a class but my goal is still "can't converse without sounding like a caveperson, but can be understood". German might eventually fall into this category too. Nope, I don't have any plans to leave the country.
I love my son, J'aime mon fils, Amo a mi hijo. I'm pretty sure "bambino" will be in that sentence when I learn Italian but I'm not there yet.
J'aime mon fils. Sa couleur préférée est le vert. I love my son. His favorite color is green.
Mon fils is proud of me. He sees me doing these lessons sometimes. If he's around when I am doing one, I catch him listening. He likes learning other languages too. As I learn, I try to teach him some words or phrases he might like. It's a positive thing to set an example for.
Since I named this post "I Love My Son", I'll list why:
1. He's smart
2. He's funny
3. He is a great helper
4. He goes to bed really really quickly.
5. When he's not antsy, he is wonderful to snuggle with
6. He's a lot like me
7. He's got excellent taste!
8. He hugs me a lot each day :)
9. He's a fantastic kid!
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Why would they want Trump to win? Because he's an entertainer. POTUS is a major public figure. Daily in the news cycle. Hillary would be better at running the country. But, Trump would provide a lot more entertaining material for them. It's all about the ratings.
Usually, no matter the political party, the media calls the candidate on their lies. It doesn't matter which party the candidate is from, things like signs of sickness are treated equally by the media. I get it that FOX always ignores the Republican candidate's flaws. But, I've never seen them go to this extent before. And, they are balanced out by other sources of media.
I saw a sign the other day at someone's house. It said "Hillary's Lies Matter". I wish someone would spray paint under it "but Trump's lies don't matter". Either that person is ignorant to Trump's lies (meaning they don't read the real-time fact checking under the screen). Or, they just don't care that Trump makes so much up. Fabricated. More fictional then "My Little Pony".
Because that's what's happening. Hillary has been investigated and cleared for a few things. Trump has done a lot more. But, he hasn't been investigated and not cleared. He's either not investigated or investigated and cleared.
The PolitiFact scorecard Donald Trump
- True ( 4%)(10)
- Mostly True (11%)(27)
- Half True ( 15%)(37)
- Mostly False ( 18%)(44)
- False ( 35%)(87)
- Pants on Fire ( 18%)(45)
The PolitiFact scorecard Hillary Clinton
- True ( 22%)(55)
- Mostly True ( 28%)(70)
- Half True ( 22%)(54)
- Mostly False ( 15%)(37)
- False ( 11%)(27)
- Pants on Fire ( 2%)
So let's call the top 3 as "not lies" and the bottom 3 as "lies"
Hillary: 72% not lies 28% lies
Trump: 30% not lies 71% lies
So Hillary tells the truth 42% of the time more then Trump
But Trump LIES 43% MORE of the time then Hillary.
She tells the truth roughly as often as he lies!!!
But, to some, Hillary's lies matter more then Trump's. My guess is Trump's lies matter more to the small businesses that went out of business or filed for bankruptcy because he didn't pay them. It matters to everyone who in good faith loaned him money on his name alone then had to take less or nothing when he filed for bankruptcy. After the second Bankruptcy they lenders got what they deserve for lending to him anyway. Starry eyed idiots! His lies matter to all the employees he jilted on pay. But, some people are too brainwashed by the media manipulation to really think about what would happen if he did that to THEM as President. To other countries as President.
He's done things that anyone else would be arrested for. Even calling for his "Trumpies" to shoot Hillary is an outright felony. Yet he has not been put under arrest. Anyone else would have been. Why is he getting away with this? Yet some people might change their votes from Clinton to Trump because she got sick. She's not terminal. But, the media presents it like she is.
Hillary gets criticized no matter what she does. The media doesn't do that to Trump. Why is Trump orange? Hillary gets sick, as we all do, and is considered unfit to lead. Why has no one looked into why Trump is orange? That has to be a medical condition. But, no one cares.
Some would play the woman card. Her extra criticism is because she's a women and some voters just aren't ready for a woman yet. I don't think that's it. It's part of the problem. Some voters will vote for Trump because of that. They will use the reason "I just don't like Hillary" but it's an anti-woman in power thing.
But, the coverage is just so lopsided. I can't help but think the media is trying to sabotage the election. To manipulate voters to choosing the person they want to win. It's all about money. They sell more of their product with more entertaining material. Trump is more entertaining. But, he's the worst candidate ever. I wonder how many Republican voters are voting for him because they are Republican versus how many are voting for him because they truly think he'll be a good President.
The media has gotten so good at manipulation. They have so many tools to make it easy. I'm not asking that they switch and start to manipulate voters into going all Hillary. I'm asking for equal coverage. Stop downplaying Trumps flaws and upplaying Hillary's. Show them equally with equal measure of importance. Do the same thing with strengths. I don't need quotes from celebrities. I need statistical proof from bipartisan financed studies. The media HAS to be bipartisan.
Tuesday, September 06, 2016
He spent August full of anxiety about the changes that going back to school brings. Like almost all kids, he enjoyed summer and wasn't ready for the change. But overall, he loves school. He hated the play based camp he used to go to. This year we sent him to the town's enrichment program. Reading, math, and science were the focus. He thrived!!!
His teacher in the program is a third grade teacher at the school. He decided he wants her for third grade. Then he spent the six weeks between when the summer program ended and school began saying "I'm scared of 2nd grade what if I don't get into third grade?"
My response was always "as long as you do your best, you won't have any trouble getting into third grade". It became another anxiety provoking thought for him. I can't blame him for worrying about third grade before second grade. I did the same thing! The second grade teacher at my school was comforting. The third grade teacher was the strictest in the school!
Zach likes that he can eat lunch with friends from the other second grade class this year. He likes that recess is before lunch this year. He likes that we take his close friend home everyday. He likes that he leaves through the same door as the third graders now. He really likes his teacher.
He also liked that he had a box on his desk this morning with everything he needed for school. It's a fundraising thing through Staples. Teachers put together a back to school list. All teachers for the same grade make the same list. Parents can order the kit in May. The parent organization for that school makes money, the items are discounted, and the teachers can know that the kids who got the kit all have the exact right things. I love it and will do it again next year!!!
Thursday, September 01, 2016
It was 1997. My mind flashed back to elementary school. Not even ten years earlier in second or third grade (1988 - 1990). My teacher was giving me a book from the school library "Diana, Princess of Whales". She was the person chosen for me to do a biography book report on.
Big beauty big heart. A lot of girls wanted to be her. A real live princess!!! Kate Middleton has filled that role nicely. I learned that she was a Kindergarten teacher. I saw pictures of that huge wedding dress. I learned about her charitable work.
I was a teenager when Diana and Charles' marriage fell apart publicly. Looking at those wedding pictures at that time I questioned if it was ever a real relationship. As news of Camilla first hit, I asked my Mom about that. She said "Charles wasn't ready to get married but was being pressured. Camilla was already married. So, he married Diana." While only they know the truth, it certainly sounds possible!
I smiled at the smiles from William and Kate on their wedding day. They are in love. Yes, William was probably being pressured to get married. But, they had been together for many years. I suspect the pressure was less about his age and more about the relationship itself.
It takes me a while to process things. Zach has learned this. He waits until I am heavily focused on one thing to ask for something I usually say "no" to. He hopes I'm too overwhelmed to process his request and just answer "yes". This news took a long time to process. As the details came out, a clearer picture formed.
I'll never know what it's like to live in the spotlight. Diana may have grown up in a noble family, but, she was also a Kindergarten teacher. Her life was mostly low-profile. Until the engagement. The media has to be managed. Public image has to be managed. Secrets must be kept.
Because of those secrets, there was speculation after her death. What really happened in private? How did she feel about.........well...........everything? Was the real her really different from the person she showed the world?
The questions that will never be answered. But, they don't matter. Even as a little girl, I wanted to believe that most marriages were strong like my parents. I was disappointed at their failed marriage. But, happy to see she found someone since Prince Charles had moved on.
It's a lesson for everyone. Don't force someone to marry. They are either ready for that commitment or aren't. Prince Charles wasn't ready. Much like Prince Harry now. That marriage was never going to work. But, in her short life Princess Diana did so much good. So much living. She had big happiness and big sorrow.
Like most people I wish I could ask her about the things that never made it public. Her views on what was in the media. Perhaps throw darts at a picture of Camilla's face together. I truly believe that she worked hard to make that marriage work. I don't think her grief was about the ending of the marriage. I think her grief was because that marriage never stood a chance in the first place.
As facebook remembers Diana 19 years later, I find flashes of memories passing through my head. One is from that radio death announcement. The other is of that book being placed in front of me. I'll never know what the teacher selected Diana for me. But, through it I connected with Princess Diana differently then I connect with most public figures. That's why her death took so long to process.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
(note: a few years ago NJ passed through vote to gradually increase the minimum wage. It's currently $8.38. This was March of 2014)
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
"the Garden of Prayer"
"Bridge of Faith"
Those are the 16x20s. Van Eyke sells these and many more (Amazon). They are beautiful. The are ready to hang but unframed. So I also ordered frames and framed them myself. "Autumn Lane" and "the Garden of Prayer" are the fall and spring paintings. I wanted something different over the computer. Bridges have a lot of positive meanings. "Bridge of Faith" seemed like the perfect choice.
Since I had never framed a painting before, I used the wrong screw and got a few holes in "Autumn Lane". I reordered it and a new frame. Zach has called dibs on this one. It's not going to match the Stars Wars and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles artwork in his room, but.............sure!
|the Garden of Prayer|
|Bridge of Faith|
"Conquering the Storms"
"Yankee Stadium" is for Josh. We finally took down our degrees, I moved a NY Giants painting we had to it's place. Under it, I put the "Yankee Stadium" for Josh. "Evening Glow" is the winter painting and "Conquering the Storms" is for summer. These are the 5x7s from Thomas Kinkade. They came framed.
|Conquering the Storms|
THEN there is the unplanned.
When "Bridge of Faith" arrived there were two surprise prints in the box. All the other's from Van Eyke came on a wood frame. These are just on canvas. But, they were clearly God's answer.
"Beauty and the Beast Falling in Love"
|Beauty and the Beast Falling in Love|
Those pictures aren't the ones I got. Mine are being framed now. There is one wall left that is more empty then I want it to be. It does have something on it though. So I originally planned to leave it alone. These two are going in that place. The Degas poster currently there will be in our bedroom soon.
With "Beauty and the Beast Falling in Love" God is reminding us what it was like 18 years ago to fall in love. It arrived on the anniversary of when we first said "I love you". God is reminding me to celebrate our life together. Even though it's been so many years.
"Cobblestone Bridge" is about God's presence in the home. The cross and church are reminders that He is there for us. I haven't lost my faith since that day the line was crossed almost two years ago. But, I wish I understood why some things have to be how they are. This is God saying "'why' doesn't matter. Know that I am here for you always".
and More edit 8/26/2016
So the replacement "Autumn Lane" arrived today. Below is the print that was included this time. It's called "Sunday Evening Sleigh Ride". It's fitting. Josh and I love to either walk or take a long drive and talk on dates. We always have. Two paintings have churches in them. Two mirror our relationship. Two have flowers. The connection? They all take place in the evening and they all have bodies of water! I don't think God's message is in the evening. Water has a lot of symbolism. I don't know which ones are God's answer, but it's there. I am drawn to water in paintings. Water represent:
They each represent one of us. Zach is "Beauty and the Beast Falling in Love". But, not because he's a kid. When Josh and I kiss, he likes to sit on the floor and look up at us. That's how it's been since he could crawl and he still does it. Before then, he'd fuss until we moved the kiss to above him. Like the household characters in the painting, he likes to be a part of our private moments.
Josh is "Sunday Evening Sleigh Ride". He likes things simple and predictable. He also only goes to church if I'm with him. I am "Cobblestone Bridge". I am the problem solver with a strong faith.
|Sunday Evening Sleigh Ride|
Friday, August 19, 2016
"Mom, why didn't Hillary divorce Bill?" (me)
"It's a personal choice. We'll never really know why. But, marriage isn't black and white." (my Mom)
"What happened? What made him cheat?" (me)
"Being President is a really hard job. Hillary is really into politics. Most likely, she wants to talk about politics a lot. It's something they have in common. He probably was just looking for a break from that. It doesn't make it right, but everyone needs a break from their job sometimes. Maybe she understands that and that's why she forgave him" (my Mom)
That was long before Hillary became Senator Clinton and later Secretary Clinton. My mom is a wise woman. I think back to that conversation all of the time. Bill has been a very supportive husband. Staying married has been good for both of their careers. I don't know about the marriage in general. Their situation could be more like The Good Wife the CBS show that ended in May. Publically married because it's good for their careers, but living separate lives privately. Does it really matter? If it does, then you are nitpicking. The state of a marriage doesn't dictate the ability of a person to lead.
Hillary has been in the situation room. She has been part of tough decisions. Blaming her for Banghazi? Then you aren't aware that defense cuts from the Republican congress are really to blame for that situation. Emails? Ummmmm Condi Rice, Colin Powel and David Petraeus. No one is perfect. But, she was singled out because of her party. Investigate them just as thoroughly as she was investigated.
Strong and ambitious women scare some people. She's been working hard for a long time for this. When a man is intimidated by a powerful women, he tries to hold her back. But, I've come to learn it's not the job or wealth that makes someone powerful. It's not a lack of fear or the ability to fight through suffering either.
It's dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness. Like it or not, Hillary is all of those things. When faced with everything Republicans have put her through for years, she shows dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness.
The New York Times looked it up. Hillary and Bernie agreed in the senate 93% of the time. Link below. They want the same things. Hillary knows what she can realistically negotiate with Congress to pass. We won't get everything either candidate promises. But, realistically, she can push through some very helpful legislature.
Hillary is respected by many because of her dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness. That includes Republican politicians as well as Democratic politicians. It's those qualities that make her powerful. It's those qualities that have earned her both respect and hate. Those spouses who didn't stay when cheated on think she is a fool for staying. Those with dignity, grace, wisdom and kindness understand.
That was the night I understood Hillary Clinton. It was the night I wanted her to be our first woman president. I voted for Obama. We can't accept a woman until we accept a black man for President. After all, first black men were granted the right to vote and later women were granted that right. But, I knew Hillary would have her chance.
That was the night I understood Hillary Clinton. I had never had a boyfriend at that point. But, I always wanted to know what to do to make marriages last. When faced with that level of embarrassment how can you stand there in support with dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness? She was never hateful to Monica. Bill was never serious about Monica so Hillary never took their dalliances seriously.
Dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness. No matter their political party all of our best Presidents have those four qualities. Diplomacy is one of Hillary's strengths. Diplomacy is more productive then aggression. Because leaders only negotiate with people they respect. You don't respect someone who doesn't respect you. When negotiating with other countries you need to understand, respect, and appreciate their culture. You have to have dignity, grace, wisdom and kindness.
Hillary never had to say anything for me to finally understand her that night. She just needed to stand there with dignity, grace, wisdom, and kindness. This was a woman in emotional pain. But, her power was in her dignity, grace, wisdom and kindness.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
When Zach was 3, he was hospitalized with a severe asthma attack. That's when he was diagnosed. I'm petrified of heights and he was on the third floor. I visited, but once the panic attack started, I had to leave. He entered on a Friday night and left that Sunday. Daddy stayed with him. The only time in Zach's life Daddy got the last kiss.
I don't know why it's so important to me to get that last kiss. Zach knows he's loved. He tells us all of the time that the most important thing to him is his family. Family that wants nothing more then to show him we all love him. I am glad to share his hugs and kisses all day. But, the last one is MINE!!!
He likes it. Josh and I have joked about me being possessive over that last kiss. We go through so much together during the day. Ups and downs every day. That last kiss ends it in the best way possible. A reminder that no matter what happened that day, we love each other deeply.
Zach is turning the tables. Since camp let out he wakes me up with a kiss. Before Daddy can. He wants to be the first to kiss Mommy :)! We snuggle and he gets himself breakfast. A reminder at the start of each day that we love each other no matter what's ahead. Words can't describe how good that feels!
I won't get the last kiss forever. Someday, he won't want goodnight kisses from us. He might still be up for a hug. But, he won't want Mommy kisses. He'll be up later then us. We'll get a distracted "night" from him when we go to bed.
I lived with my parents when Josh and I were engaged. We were 24 on our wedding day, remember. Until then, I always gave my parents a goodnight kiss on their heads when I came in each night. They were in bed. Mom was asleep and Dad was trying to but never quite went to sleep. Not until my brother and I were both home safe. I always kissed him last.
Josh gives me my last kiss each night. I don't know which parent did it when I was growing up. They both probably got opportunities to be the last kiss for both me and my brother. But, I hope they felt good about being the last kiss. The last kiss is special. It's hard to explain why. But, it is. I'm going to miss it when Zach doesn't want it anymore. Will he kiss me last? Just like I used to do for my Dad? I hope so.