Monday, March 18, 2013

What Zach Has In Common With My Pansies

In a post from December entitled "And Then It Just Came Out" I mentioned that my Garden is like a second child to me. Recently, that sure seems true. There are many similarities to caring for a Garden and caring for your child. Including a feeling of helplessness when there is a problem you can't control or fix. That has been true for Zach and my Pansies.

I'll start with Zach. For a long time now he's been reluctant to go to school. He always has fun when he's there but he spends the morning saying "I don't want to go to school". He used to love school and I have spent the last month obsessing over discovering what the problem is and trying to make things better. It took until two weeks ago to start getting a real answer from him. But of course I feel stupid since the signs were there before.

It basically amounted to three problems. Little things we did helped a little bit until last night when the whole story came out. It helped that he started bringing George, his sleep/Preschool friend to school. It also helped that my Dad gave him a picture of me and him together to carry in his pocket and look at as needed. But to really make a difference I have to use what I know about Child Psychology which is probably more than most of you realize.

1. "Teachers are yelling at me" - This has a back story. If you remember from the "Avoiding Divorce" post I talked about serious financial issues Josh and I had. I didn't learn about them until Zach was just shy of 4 months old. We argued a lot as we sorted through what happened and how to fix things. Now Zach is sensitive to raised voices, even happy ones.

Yelling is still an issue for him even though we rarely fight anymore. If a teacher is talking to him loudly during club time it's not because he's in trouble it's because they are reminding him about what he's supposed to do and are trying to be heard over the rest of the talking going on at that time in the school.

He has a fear of upsetting adults. We have had a lot of days where it seemed the only thing to get him to do something basic like get dressed would be to yell at him. That was after several attempts talking normally but firmly. At home we have changed our routines and have only had to yell at him once in the past 5 days. Josh yelled as he was walking into a parking lot without stopping and with a car coming. Nothing happened but parental panic, I understand that one. When you find yourself so frustrated you yell at the same thing each day it's time to change how you are handling things so it's less frustrating. A tactic I recommend.

At school we clarified with his teachers that he's not in trouble he's just being reminded about how to behave. He seemed to feel a little better knowing that he wasn't in trouble. Not all of what he was calling "yelling" even included loud voices. Some were just reminders but to him it was yelling since he felt like he was "in trouble". As far as I know, he's never even had a time out.

2. "I Wanna Be With YOU!" - The signs were there before. He was fine in the Fall when we did things like garden and take walks frequently after school but it wasn't until mid-Winter that he got clingy at drop-off so I didn't make this connection until last night. I feel stupid for that. In the Winter he's spent most afternoons playing in his room while I read on the computer and did gardening research. If he came in asking me to transform a Transformer for him I would but being lost in Seasonal Depression I just wasn't the same attentative Mommy I usually am.

I see now that he was going through his own Seasonal Depression and just wanted some one-on-one Mommy time. When he asked me, I would give him that attention but I didn't see that every time he brought me a Transformer it was his way of saying "Mommy, please spend time with me?" Today we spent some time together but unfortunately a lot of it was me struggling to transform his newest Transformer, Smokescreen. We also did a puzzle together. Today he didn't throw a tantrum when Josh got home like he had been so the Mommy time worked. Hopefully, future Mommy-times will be better. We'll find out tomorrow if that helps ease his Separation Anxiety.

3. "Susan Issues" - Susan is the owner/Director of the preschool and has known Josh since he was a kid. Her husband was my Father-In-Law's partner at work. This was another thing I should have made a connection on. In Summer Camp Susan was his main teacher. He reacted to going to camp then the way he has been recently. Susan is his teacher sometimes including today. She's very nice and I haven't seen anything unusual but these are comments Zach made last night.

"Why is Susan always there?" - because she's the Director, she's in charge and wants everying to be great.

"Susan yells at me" - when I asked him WHEN she yells he said during club time. This goes back to what I said about reminders and wanting to be heard over other background talking.

"I don't like that Susan knows Daddy" - I have only once seen her mention that she is friends with Daddy and has known him for a very long time. We were in her office at pick-up and Zach was in a "I wanna do it" mood while I was trying to help. She calmly reminded him about her relationship to Daddy and that Mommy just wants to help.

I sent her an email about these issues including my theories last night. We'll talk about them more probably tomorrow but today she said she agrees that I'm probably right. The most likely reason is that he feels more is expected of him then other kids because of the relationship with Daddy. From what I have seen, this is not true. To a three year old, it is. And that goes back to his desire to do the right thing. He gets mad at himself when he isn't. No one does the right thing 100% of the time but he's still learning that. We treat his slip ups based on what the slip up is. Most are small so he gets a "that's okay", a kiss, a hug, and a reminder to be more careful in the future.

He's going through what Eric Erikson would say is a "crisis". His birthday is 2 1/2 months away so that sounds about right to me. Hopefully, the additional attention and reminders that he's not in trouble but does need to remember how to behave will help. Along with the picture and comfort object. I can guide him through this but he really has to work through it on his own.

Just like my Pansies. Anyone local knows we have had a mean cold stretch. I call it mean because it's the middle of March and we are long since ready for something much warmer. It's snowing as I type this. Yes, my Winter Depression has crept back. But now I have Pansies and had to learn about cold weather care.

The day I planted them was beautiful. Starting the day after, Thursday, it's been cold and they have been drooping. I planned to get Winter Pansies in addition to Cabbage for Winter from now on but after seeing them droop in the cold I changed my mind on the Winter Pansy part. I'll still get Spring Pansies since they are still alive and will perk up again and stay that way soon. They perk up a little during the afternoons and are perking up more and more as they adjust to the cold. I learned that they do get watered when the ground is thawed as long as it's warmer then 25 degrees even if it will freeze that night. I learned it helps to cover them with a pot at night when it's colder then 30 degrees. I still think I'll just stick with the Cabbage for the Winter though.

For both I ask the question, "How can I help with the stress?". In Zach's case I really have done all I could do and will continue to do the new things I am doing but there isn't anything else I can do. He really has to work through this the rest of the way on his own. At least he's learning how important communication is in problem solving. The Pansies will adjust and I have been reassured that I didn't plant them too soon (then can go as cold as 20). I also see signs starting today that all that extra TLC I have applied to gardening is working and they are as healthy as they could be now. The drooping makes me nervous. I am scared that they will die. The owner of the nursery reassured me she wouldn't have put them out if they couldn't handle this weather. Even she doesn't bring her's inside at night in the cold. She's been reliable before. It's a learning experience I'll take notes on as Spring progresses.

I will stress over how Zach is doing. Are things getting better? Is he happy again? What can we do during Mommy-time today? I will stress over the Pansies. Do they look better today? Do I need to cover them tonight? Is the soiled thawed and if so do they need water? Will they really be okay as I am reassured or is the cold killing them? All are answers I will learn in time.

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