I haven't done a post in almost 3 months. The post I want to do, I was not allowed to do. Someone might be mad at me for this. But it can't wait anymore.
Someone I love is dying of cancer. Enough people know where I feel like this is okay to finally write. They will take a piece of me with them when they go.
I just keep thinking of this one quote from Vision (played in the MCU by Paul Belamy). He is an Avenger in the Marvel comics. In episode 8 of Wandavision on Disney+ he is talking about loss with Wanda Maximoff (the Scarlett Witch).
Wanda lost her parents in an apartment bombing when she was 10. Then, as a young adult, became an Avenger with her twin brother, Pietro (aka. Quicksilver) in the movie "Age of Ultron". The scene is a memory of her time at the Avenger compound right after Pietro died in a battle with Ultron.
Vision had been killed in a battle in the movie "Infinity Wars". She used her powers to bring him back in Wandavision. Vision tried to comfort her by saying, "what is grief if not love persevering?" Vision is highly philosophical and overall brilliant. See link to learn more about him.
Vision (Marvel Cinematic Universe) - Wikipedia
"What is grief if not love persevering?"
I hold that thought with me as this person has gone through various stages. There is nothing left to be done but relieve their pain.
My loved ones are on the lookout for me. I get depression and yes, I am in it right now. No, I am not going to harm anyone but, I have had some strong mood swings. What's going in inside me this past year?
Turmoil - there really is no other way to word it. I can't picture life without this person. I can't piece together modifying things, but I have too. Already they sleep all of the time and can't do that much of what they used to be able to do. I have been attempting to adapt.
Refusing to Pray - I am an Episcopalian that does believe God answers some prayers. I refuse to pray for this person. I have this gut instinct that isn't wrong about things like if someone is going to die and when. I want to keep my faith so I am refusing to pray for something that will never be answered.
Sense of Unfairness - this person is a good religious person who has donated a lot of money and time to various charities. They are the very best of people. It's not fair that this person is being taken from us. A long life that isn't long enough. Unfair suffering for someone who didn't just attend church regularly but spent her life helping those who need it with everything they are.
What do I want this person to know? I love them. I will do everything I can in my limited abilities to support those that they leave behind. I know those same people will be there for me. I will try to fill the void they are leaving. They are taking a piece of me with them. A big piece. This person has helped keep me stable. Luckily, others I love are trying to fill that place because they love me.
"What is grief if not love persevering?"
You don't get over a loss like this. You adapt. This person is still alive but weakening. My love for this person will persevere for eternity. But my grief will evolve to be sweet memories eventually. I will miss their smile, their laugh, their guidance. I will miss their hugs and everything else good about them.
I bury myself in romance novels. A guaranteed happy ending which is why I started reading them to begin with. I am repurchasing my old ones on kindle little by little. Hiding in the stories. Forgetting the basics of my daily life. Dinners have been late and not what they should be. I forget to walk or even go outside even on nice days. Slowly, I am getting better at those things. Remembering to cook the right foods, walking at least a little each day. remembering it's been 3 months and I really need to do a blog post.
"What is grief if not love persevering?"
Vision is right, grief is love persevering.
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