I'm not adopted and we aren't planning on adopting. But, it's an important topic I haven't talked about yet. With Thanksgiving being just three days away, family is on most people's mind.
A couple usually decides to adopt when they struggle to have a child of their own. Once you've been through a few cycles of IVF, adoption becomes an option along with surrogacy and donors. With surrogacy and donors, at least one parent can be a biological parent. But, that's not true with adoption.
So why choose adoption? Because a life has already been created that needs to be loved and cared for. A life has already been created who's biological parents can't be their parents. A life has already been created that is struggling to be part of a family and you are struggling to have a family. A life has already been created that needs you.
It must be a really hard decision to make for some people. The biggest fear being if you prepare for the baby but, the mother changes her mind about adoption once the baby is born. If you are adopting an older child, you are getting a child who has been through a lot more then the average kid their age! How will they act as a reaction to that personal history?
I think the most important thing in making an adoption work is love. Showing love often. Making the child feel safe and secure. They also might need to be comforted. In older kids it might depend on how they lost their birth parents. They might need lots of therapy! Can you provide that?
Because that's parenting. Even if you have a child of your own you'll need to show love often, help them feel safe and secure, provide comfort, and possibly need to send them to therapy. It doesn't matter who the biological parents are. These are needs children have.
It must be a hard thing to do, give your child up for adoption. Even if you are in a personal situation where keeping the baby is definitely not an option. That doesn't mean giving that child up is easy either!!! But, this choice is made when the expectant mother decides that this is what's best for their child. That this would provide a better life for their child. So these are the biological mothers that get to choose the adopted parents.
Not all mothers have that choice. Sometimes the kids go to the first person interested in adopting them. These are the kids who have lost their parents. Sometimes the parents are alive, just not allowed to be parents anymore. Other times, the parents have both died without a family to take the child in.
In theory all scenarios have a screening process for potential adoptive parents. But, people lie. Adoptive parents present the best versions of themselves and their home lives when being screened. It's just impossible to know what the child's life will be like.
One thing is always on my mind when I think of GLBT rights. A lot of adoption organizations are religious based and won't let GLBT couples adopt. Ironic since they are also against birth control. I always say "you can't have it both ways. No birth control? Then you need to let ANY couple who wants to adopt be considered." So many loving GLBT couples want to be parents. Most can provide good, loving, and safe homes to adoptive kids.
How about adopting kids of other races or nationalities? It's like anything. Some people won't care others will be insulting. Whether they mean well or not. Example, China still has a one child law. So second kids that are daughters are often put up for adoption. But, a white couple with a Chinese baby will stand out. Even good intentioned people might not realize they are staring. Are you okay with standing out? Are you okay with any hate or criticism you might face?
A family is literally what you make of it.
An adopted child is still your child. You love them and take care of them they same way you would if they came from you. It's a hard decision to make, adopting a child. It's a harder one to give your child up to, in most cases, strangers.
I like the idea of open adoption. The birth mother can still see their child. The child knows where they came from and why they were adopted. The adoptive parents don't have to carry the burden of "when do we tell him/her they are adopted?"
Because the sentence "you are adopted." Must be a life changer for most kids. In most cases it's an identity crisis wrapped in a bow. But, it shouldn't be a secret. It's the story of how your family became a family.
https://adoption.com/
https://adoption.org/
https://childwelfare.gov/nfcad/
http://www.adopt.org/
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