I Miss My Eating Disorder

Yup, I said it. And my mom is about to fall out of her chair after reading that. Granted when I HAD the eating disorder I was also dancing a lot so the activity was there. I'm still as active as I can be still walking at a slower pace until tomorrow when the Orthopedist should clear me to exercise. I am watching everything I put into my mouth aware that one bite not approved can counter any loss that exercise created.

I've talked about my eating disorder before. I talked about how after 9 years I kept fainting in the nurses office in college and was sent home with 10 class days left, being  told I can't come back until there is a note from a specialist saying I can. It's the eating disorder that got me into this, Hypoglycemia.

Hypoglycemia means I have to eat throughout the day in order for my blood sugar levels to remain intact. I have, as per the diet with the nutritionist, a strict diet but at least it's good food.

5am : 1 reduced fat ritz cracker with the salt scrapped off.

7:30am: 1 reduced fat ritz cracker with the salt scrapped off.

9 - 9:30 - Breakfast: one egg and cheese omelet 1 small cup coffee. It'd go quicker if I didn't need the creamer and 2 equal packets but we adults know how important that morning coffee is. Mine is decaf because the eating disorder screwed up my esophagus (no bulimia though) so I can't have too much caffeine. Sundays I can have 2 small pancakes, 1 sausage link, the coffee, and a little syrup. Zach would kill me if he didn't get the pancake and I need more then egg.

11:00 (skipped if breakfast at 9:30) Morning snack: 1 tbsp cashews

12:00 Lunch: either a salad with cold cuts or a sandwich with salami and cheese, lots of lettuce, and mustard. 1/2 a coke or iced tea to drink. Sundays are homemade cheeseburgers with lots of lettuce

3:00 Snack: If I had a sandwich at lunch usually a string cheese and salad (protein is important) If not, a string cheese and dannon lite and fit blueberry yogurt. Sometimes even if I have a sandwich I have the cheese and yogurt. If not available I reach for cheese and fruit like blueberries or peaches. water

5:30 - 6pm Dinner: I have a planned daily menu so it doesn't vary much. water to drink
                   Saturday: Garlic London broil, green beans, and either pasta salad or a small baked potato  (based on the time of year)
                   Sunday: Family dinner or a Ham steak, homemade mac n cheese, and broccoli
                   Monday: Either the Ham combo or grilled chicken, spinach (w/garlic) and pasta salad
                  Tuesday: Either family dinner or Lemon Garlic Chicken, Peas and Stuffing
                  Wednesday: Lemon Garlic Chicken, Peas, and Stuffing or Grilled Pork Chops, corn, and Spanish rice
                   Thursday: Tacos (sometimes I make guacamole 1/2 plum tomato, 1/2 small onion 1 tbsp lime juice and 2 avocado's mash the avocado's, chop the tomato and onion into small pieces and mix.
                   Friday: Take out night so not healthy but planned that way.

9:15-9:30 I start my glass of Merlot, only one a day but I have to have it with a bite of cheese

10:15 Bedtime snack: Pumpernickel and Spinach dip (the stop n shop sour cream tub).

I average 2-3 miles of walking a day. But either don't loose any weight or only loose a pound a week. The hypoglycemia is from the eating disorder. It's also the reason I stepped on the rock and broke my foot. I had just had the nuts but they weren't working yet. I was still a little dizzy and disoriented.

What I miss about the eating disorder was how easy it was to stay thin. Salad for lunch and salad or a grilled chicken wrap for dinner mostly. The cafeteria food didn't look good so it was easy to stick with just the salad. The one exception being stir fry day.

I had read an article that if you leave a little food on your plate at each meal it's easier to reduce your calorie intake. I decided to do just that starting by taking less to begin with. It's so much easier to loose weight when you can take that approach. If I tried that I'd either end up eating more or maybe even dying. It happens with hypoglycemia.

Granted part of my bloated belly is really from being on the pill but I am so tired of feeling fat, watching every bite that goes into my mouth, and spending the day OBSESSING over how much exercise I've gotten that day and trying to get more in. I'm tired of not being able to eat the same things as everyone else.

I have always compared my body to other women's bodies. I try to choose people my age and now with one kid about Zach's age. I'm not a good judge of which ones I look more like. My boobs got bigger with the added weight though and Josh likes the new me. He tells me all the time. He's going to tell me when he's done reading this post.

True I felt fat with the eating disorder too but the scale only had two numbers on it then to reassure me I wasn't fat. Now it's a big number on the scale 124 when I got hurt. I have yet to weigh myself since the injury but I'm scared of what it will say. I worked so hard what if I gained some back?!?!?!?! There has to be something I can do to make this easier. Alas, there isn't. I miss my eating disorder.

The dreaded question where women will say yes and men with either not have an opinion or say no just to avoid followup questions: Do I look fat? Remember the pill adds some bloat.