I don't know when it started. I know the moment I realized it was happening though. Back in February I wanted to get my mom a 3/4 sleeve style & Co. shirt from Macy's (they no longer make it). It was a basic type of shirt and would match her ugly skirts she wears to look nice to dinner. She also likes the 3/4 sleeve style. I have two of these shirts (brown for fall and lavender for spring). She told me not to get it because it looks old lady like. Originally, I was offended until I took a good look at the ones I have on me. They are basic, they don't look old lady like on everyone (it's not Alfred Dunner! That's an old lady designer!) It looked old lady like on her because she is officially an old lady. Everything looks old lady like on her yet she tries to dress young, even looking in the Juniors section, to preserve a youth that isn't there.
They are all still active but are also all slowing down. My father has a pinched nerve and sometimes even uses a cane, like his father, my Poppop, used to. He's on a super advanced hearing aid (my Poppop was almost deaf in one ear. I had to yell to talk to him. It is now like that with my dad where I have to talk in a higher volume, although not as loud as with Poppop, hearing aid or not, to be heard). He also is on a medication that makes it so he has to limit sun exposure. He's going to be 65 on November 2nd, he's not really an old man. Yet, slowly it's getting hard to deny the old man signs approaching.
Josh's father has hearing issues too and recently caved and "got a piece". He doesn't "put his ears in" as often as he should. He also has lung issues and can no longer be hired as a clown but can still do magic and balloon sculpture. The chemicals in the clown makeup are the culprit. He too is starting to be more old man like.
Josh's mom has bad knees, and has for the 13 years we've been together, but is limping a little more. She still takes great care of the household but it clearly is a little harder for her. It won't be long until my nephew Michael and niece Sammi start to volunteer to help more. They won't ask for the help but will show signs of needing it. That elevator they installed to get Jake upstairs at night (when he got too heavy for Josh's dad to carry a couple of years ago) might be something they use for themselves at one point although they aren't at that step yet.
My mom is an active person but it seems like very year over 60 she is, she gets a new pill she'll have to take every day for the rest of here life. She'll be 63 on November 18th (also Josh's mom's birthday she'll be 65. Josh's dad turned 66 in April). There is the diabetes medicine, the blood pressure medicine, and a pill I'm not sure what it does but it does something to keep her body functioning properly. My grandma, her mom, always needed a lot of pills too. She also had diabetes. My mom is the only one that pretends not to be in denial about showing signs of being old lady like but she is. I always say you can't deny the truth because when the truth comes out (as it always does) you will look foolish. She is active, out of necessity, but is slowing down.
We had a conversation a couple of weeks ago, my mother and I. I knew the day would come but I didn't expect it yet. They are on the five year plan. Five more years left in the house is all they think they can handle before home maintenance is too much for them. The plan would be to move into a condo. Back when I thought Josh made about double what he actually does and we had a substantial savings I hoped we could buy the house from them and swap, they take the condo we take the house. That clearly will never happen. But I like there being a house in the family with a yard for Zach and space for things like a picnic table for outdoor BBQ parties.
I offered to help more to help make the home maintenance more manageable. I already give my dad labor as a father's day gift and anniversary gift to help with yard maintenance. I offer to help my mom by offering to cook family dinner, or sometimes host family dinner (she always says "no"). I'm not ready to give up my childhood home yet but I have five years to get over it's loss and think about an alternative for a life with no house in the family. Sure my brother will probably eventually get a house but he won't be generous enough to let us use it for parties.
I agree that our moms are too young for Alfred Dunner and Cathy Daniels cloths. Cathy Daniels is a favorite brand of Josh's mom. She acts more old ladyish then she is sometimes. She lived with her mother almost her entire life so she was very classic 50's housewife, except the skirt part. My mom has always tried to avoid looking her age out of denial and my definition of what her age looks like has changed as she has gotten older. For my wedding, it'll be 7 years ago in October, she didn't want a typical "Mother of the Bride" dress since she considered them "old lady like". Her friend wore one of those when her own daughter got married. Josh's mom wore a dress like that and looked beautiful. Mom, you were just shy of 32 when you had me. You WERE old enough for one of those dresses because you were older when you had me. She did choose something also age appropriate that looked gorgeous.
I knew someday our parents would be old enough to need first more help from us then later for us to care for them. They aren't yet at the can't take care of the house and, eventually, need to be cared for age yet. I was there when my parents went through those transitions with their own parents. I remember Grandma and Poppop most. Our parents are still very capable but slowly need more and more help.
http://www.learningplaceonline.com/stages/organize/Erikson.htm
That's a link to a great reference website for Erikson's work. This is Erikson's theories. In red are my modifications based on observations.
Birth - 18 months (Infancy): Trust vs. Mistrust
18 Months - 3 years (Early Childhood): Autonomy vs. Shame
(Zach is in this stage he is very much Autonomous)
3 - 5 Years (Play Age): Initiative vs. Guilt
6 - 12 Years (School Age): Industry vs. Inferiority
12 - 18 Years (Adolescence): Identity vs. Role Confusion
18 - 35 (Young Adulthood): Ego Development Outcome: Intimacy and Solidarity vs. Isolation
(Josh and I have so far been successful with this).
Basic Strengths: Affiliation and Love
In the initial stage of being an adult we seek one or more companions and love. As we try to find mutually satisfying relationships, primarily through marriage and friends, we generally also begin to start a family, though this age has been pushed back for many couples who today don't start their families until their late thirties. If negotiating this stage is successful, we can experience intimacy on a deep level.
If we're not successful, isolation and distance from others may occur. And when we don't find it easy to create satisfying relationships, our world can begin to shrink as, in defense, we can feel superior to others.
Our significant relationships are with marital partners and friends.
35 - 55 or 65 (Middle Adulthood): Generative vs. Self absorption or Stagnation
(they are all retired so they are past this stage except maybe my mom who has a successful non-profit consulting business).
Basic Strengths: Production and Care
Now work is most crucial. Erikson observed that middle-age is when we tend to be occupied with creative and meaningful work and with issues surrounding our family. Also, middle adulthood is when we can expect to "be in charge," the role we've longer envied.
The significant task is to perpetuate culture and transmit values of the culture through the family (taming the kids) and working to establish a stable environment. Strength comes through care of others and production of something that contributes to the betterment of society, which Erikson calls generative, so when we're in this stage we often fear inactivity and meaninglessness.
As our children leave home, or our relationships or goals change, we may be faced with major life changes—the mid-life crisis—and struggle with finding new meanings and purposes. If we don't get through this stage successfully, we can become self-absorbed and stagnate.
Significant relationships are within the workplace, the community and the family.
55 or 65 to Death (Late Adulthood): Integrity vs. Dispare.
Basic Strengths: Wisdom
Erikson felt that much of life is preparing for the middle adulthood stage and the last stage is recovering from it. Perhaps that is because as older adults we can often look back on our lives with happiness and are content, feeling fulfilled with a deep sense that life has meaning and we've made a contribution to life, a feeling Erikson calls integrity. Our strength comes from a wisdom that the world is very large and we now have a detached concern for the whole of life, accepting death as the completion of life.
On the other hand, some adults may reach this stage and despair at their experiences and perceived failures. They may fear death as they struggle to find a purpose to their lives, wondering "Was the trip worth it?" Alternatively, they may feel they have all the answers (not unlike going back to adolescence) and end with a strong dogmatism that only their view has been correct.
The significant relationship is with all of mankind—"my-kind."
But wait: This seems a little rushed! my modifications:
55 or 65 to 75 (Late Adulthood): Integrity vs. Dispare
(this is where all our parents firmly fit)
Basic Strengths: Wisdom
Most people at this stage are retired but still capable of most things. It gets harder to do tasks that used to be easy and they start reflecting on their lives but are not nearing the end in most cases. They can still think about the future and how things will change for them.
Most have integrity and still remember enough to share the wisdom life has taught them. Our strength comes from a wisdom that the world is very large.
On the other hand, some adults may reach this stage and despair at their experiences and perceived failures. They feel they are past their prime and don't have any accomplishments to be proud of.
65 or 75 to Death (Elderly (Geriatric)): Pride vs. Regret.
Basic Strengths: Cherishing
At this stage most people start to try to remember as much as they can about their life and decide if they are generally proud of their choices or regret them. At this point, they need more medical attention. They really can't care for themselves that much anymore and whichever stage they are in will depend on their level of support as they need extra support. They start thinking about their own mortality. Their friends are starting to die more regularly and the search for new companionship takes over. They don't see anything new happening in their future.
They share their satisfaction and regret stories with younger generation in hopes to prevent mistakes and encourage those satisfying choices to be made again. They cherish their family and friends. Those who are in the pride stage savor every achievement in their lives and their loved ones. These are often the most satisfied people surrounded by loved ones.
However, those in regret are the people who are lonely. They don't see their loved ones are are too bitter for peers to befriend.
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