What general anxiety disorder is, is a lot of fears that control your life. You aren't afraid of everything. But you are afraid of a lot of things. Different fears are in different people with GAD. It's always multiple fears. These fears are strong enough to impact life decisions and control your life. My GAD is severe and getting worse as I get older. I do have a lot of fears. My biggest one is my fear of heights. It's also the one getting the most severe as I get older.
I suspect I was always afraid of heights. I was small for my age and loved to be held. I was carried a lot when I was a small child. I always felt safe with my parents. especially my father. There are so many pictures from those years of him holding me. He is tall but it was my dad's arms. One of the safest places in the world for baby and little kid me.
I remember visiting my mom at work with our babysitter. She worked on a higher floor and to get there we had to go past a hall with an open staircase. It was scary, but safe behind my mom's office door in the 1980s. Dona, my babysitter, could tell I was afraid and got us through quickly. She would always tell me it would be okay. I still remember those stairs though.
When I was 7, my dad and I were in a "tribe" for "Indian Princesses". I apologize to Native Americans. It was the late 1980s and long ago changed its name to something more acceptable. The purpose was to be a bonding activity for fathers and daughters. "Indian Guides" was for the boys and that name also has since changed. Craft projects, snacks, camping trips, and life lessons.
Twice a year we went to a campground in New York state. The mess hall had an area up some stair with a balcony. The other girls liked to go up there after eating. But I couldn't do it. I kept freezing on the stairs. My dad and I tried the "up a few stairs come down. Up a little higher then come down" thing. I got up there but was afraid and still froze on future attempts. Here's the irony in all this. On one of the hiking trails was a wire bridge crossing a fast-moving river. I did that easily. Water is comforting for me. My biggest strength was archery.
Over the years my parents worked hard with me over my fears. When we looked for the condo 15 years ago, it was easy to look for a first floor. But like I said in a previous post, house hunting was a massive challenge! My fear had grown worse and, it seemed like I could handle LESS stairs than I used to by the time we got this house. It also made job hunting and holding impossible.
Setting up the house took a lot of ladders and step ladders. I am 5' 2". That means short. Everything is up. I am always reaching. So many other adults, I have to look up to talk to them like when I was a kid. I used to be able to at least use the 2-step step ladder. I have since learned that is now a hard "no". Luckily, Zach is getting handy and is fine with ladders!
I am petrified at the idea of heights. You can't die falling off something if you aren't high enough on anything. The ground is safe. I worked very hard for 20 years to get over my fear of heights. As I told my Psychologist after Zach was born, some fears you are never getting over and this is one of them for me. I still am trying to work my way upstairs to Zach or down to the basement. But it is still very scary for me.
I spent my life looking up. I'm still good with some stairs and a 1-step step stool. But panic attacks kick in when I get too high and, I find relief and safety on the ground. I spend too much of my life shaky, panicky, and afraid. You physically feel sick with a panic attack. It affects your nervous system and has caused some physical health problems. Yes, that includes heart attacks. Living on ground level was a decision I made for my own physical health. Frankly, there are a lot of cool things going on down here.
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