Me At 40

 My birthday is this week, I will be 40. I am still younger then most parents with kids Zach's age. But, I'm not that much younger. I'm at a new stage of development. Erik Erikson calls 40 - 60 "middle adulthood". I have noticed physical and cognitive changes. Mostly, I'm still me. 

I am a little bigger but still a healthy weight. That might be quarantine related though. I have noticed other minor physical things. Things that happen to all women. I won't be reaching for much anti-aging creams and things like that. The only anti-aging thing I use is body wash. I've used that for years because I like it, I haven't noticed it stopping any actual signs of aging. I do have more gray hair. But, I found my first gray at age 27. We gray early in my mom's side of the family. No hair dye either. 

Cognitively, I am changing. We have been watching the Avenger Infinity saga movies lately. Zach keeps wanting me to rank stuff. I'm not interested in ranking things anymore. I enjoy things less when I have favorites. So, I don't pick favorites in anything anymore. I either like it or I don't. I am wiser in general now too. I went from badly wanting a second kid and a house to giving up hope on both. I don't like it but, I don't hide from the facts either.. 

I still have my anxiety, OCD and sensory processing issues. They are genetic and diagnosed and have gotten worse. I still make sense of the world through seasons and months. I still have my same quirks too. Basically, I am still me. But, I love who I am. It's gotten easier to not care what others think. 

I recently went through old photo albums my dad has of Zach. I turned 30 when he was a little over a year old. I did have a party that year and my dad titled those pictures something about all the tall people. There won't be a party this year. There will be my mom's rarely made lasagna. A sentimental dish for me. It was the first dinner my mom taught me how to make. I was in the 5th grade at the time, about Zach's age. Brownies for dessert. 

Gifts? What I asked for is money. We have gone through thousands of dollars in savings with the pandemic. Josh is getting stiffed on tips more lately too. We have had to toss the grocery budget out the window with the pandemic. Most of that money went to stocking up on necessary household goods, car repairs for Josh, cloth masks (lots of them) and hand sanitizer. Zach's recent growth spirt isn't helping either! Besides, my parents got me a newish car last year. A 2016 Focus in my favorite car color, blue! That was my 40th birthday gift. I just needed it last year so they got it for me a year early. 

But, we are doing a few cool things at home. Josh and Zach have a couple of surprise gifts for me. I am also doing a sheets upgrade. We have sheets of the month for our bed. But, some are in bad shape. So, we are finishing off replacing those that need to be replaced. I get those on my birthday. 

I am also doing a shoe overhaul. My casual dress shoes were from 15 years ago or longer! I had been replacing sneakers as needed. But, my seasonal shoe collections no longer matched my needs. I haven't done an overhaul like this in 12 years or longer! So, it was time. I went through every shoe I have and kept those I still need, tossed those in bad shape or that I never use, replaced the ones in bad shape that I do use and added ones for things I need.  It will fit my needs significantly better! My lifestyle has been different for many years now and what I had hasn't met those needs for years! The shoes are also to get on my actual birthday. I did get monthly caps for my hats and wraps collection that I got early. 

What lays ahead? When I was younger, I would try to predict what was in my future. Now, I work with what I am given. I am not going to have any other good big news in my life. There won't be a house, another kid, or a job promotion. The good things ahead for me will be about big events happening to Zach. 

That does make me sad. I'm not fully ready to be done with all the big positive life accomplishment stuff. I hardly accomplished anything. BA in dance, I did work for a while but, can't handle more. Nice apartment, fantastic husband of almost 16 years and the best kid ever! I don't have something specific in mind. It just all happened so long ago, in my 20s. It's been a decade or longer since I had a big accomplishment. 

What else do I want? That house and one more kid. Zach is so big. I miss baby and little kid. I miss that one year old from my 30th birthday party! But, I am happy with my life overall. I hope I continue to be happy. I am grateful for the past 40 years and do look forward to the surprises ahead. I treasure Zach's accomplishments. He is my heart and soul. I still have plenty to be happy about in the future through him.