On Friday that line was crossed. "Too long" became "long enough". If you are confused, please read the previous post named "One Year Later". Here's the quick version. It's been an awful year since Josh got laid off. Everyone has a breaking point. I hit mine on Friday.
A lot of bad things could have happened when that line was crossed. Knowing that is one of the reasons I strongly support gun control laws. What happened, was unexpected. And what I needed to rediscover my strength.
The doctor who performed Josh's hip surgery doesn't take our insurance. $12,000 bill. This wasn't going to go well. But before the surgery I explained the situation to the doctor. He said we'd "work something out." His billing department was unwilling to negotiate. Following my parent's advice, I wrote him a letter. I am just looking to pay what he would accept from an insurance company. On Friday, I brought it to him. It's the ride home that changed me.
I'm very proud to be an Episcopalian. It's like Catholicism but without the "anti" part. My church is about five minutes away from that doctor. My parents were watching Zach and what I really needed in that moment was to hug our priest. I have emailed with her a few times throughout the year. She helped me a lot this past year.
When I got there, the church was closed. Our priest was away on Friday but the Warden was there. We talked. She gave me my hug. And I walked away with one of my problems solved. I left the Parish Hall changed. It's what I needed.
I mentioned in my last post my cycle of spirituality. Bouncing between "prayer doesn't work" and "trust in God" didn't make the year easier. I was mad at God for our circumstances. But couldn't shake the feeling that it's God's plan and we will be okay. I have clarity now. I trust God. That trust has never faded. It really was fear.
When getting religious advice everyone says "it will work out, it just takes time". It's been a year. But from the beginning one fact scared me. In the past, when faced with other horrible situations, it's always taken two years to get better. It took two years and my last two miscarriages to get Zach. That's one of a few examples. A huge fear I have is that we still have another year to go. That fear has been with me since the day Josh announced he got laid off.
What happened when that line was crossed? The line from "too long" to "long enough"? I cried, I hugged and I rediscovered my spirituality. I trust God again. Actually, I learned that I never stopped trusting God. Being around people who feel the way I do about all of the serious issues, put me at peace. It reminded me of how trusting in God will help me cope with the scary things up ahead.
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