What I Can't Say

Because of how the internet works, we are warned to be careful. Everything you type, say in a video, do in a video, and every picture you post can be seen by everyone. Forever.  That goofy drunk selfie might seem like a good idea to show your friends, but even on private profiles it might prevent you from getting your dream job..............................fifteen years later. It can be retrieved even after being deleted by someone with the right computer skills.

Because of that, you have to keep some things about yourself secret. You can't actually share how you really feel. You can't talk about everything going on in your life. Because everyone can see it. That might make some see you differently, forever.

Because of how the internet works there are things I can't blog about. That's the main reason I haven't posted that often recently. I can't talk about the big things going on in our lives right now. So finding acceptable blog posts have been difficult.

There are too many things I can't say. Too many things that can't be accessible to everyone. Things I would feel better about if I can work it out through writing. But that could never end up in such a sensitive place. I still type them up. Into word documents that remain on my computer. But those words can never be posted here.

I am not good with secrets. I can't lie. The truth is too important to me. In fact, the other day I didn't want to go outside. Because when someone asks "how are you?" I have to answer with the socially acceptable "fine" but I'm not fine. It's been frustrating to lie to so many people.

So I called a close friend. Her son is Zach's best friend. She lives really close so we took a walk together. FINALLY! Someone who knows all of my secrets! It felt so good to be able to talk about them! We ended up sticking around for lunch. Our families are close. They are going through something similar so we were able to help them too! We all felt better after that unplanned four hour play date! Only my very closest of friends know all of my secrets. Literally, a handful. If you know one specific secret, you know all of my secrets. You will know if you know that specific secret without me telling you which one.

Being a literal person who hates secrets and lies makes life extra hard sometimes. I know a lot of people would be supportive if I told them, but the secrets are too big to share. Don't worry, it's nothing illegal. In fact, one secret I'm proud of. I would tell more people about it.

But it's not only my secret. So I must keep it even from people I want to share it with. My family sometimes asks me to take something down either from here or on facebook. I take into consideration who said it, what they said, and if their reason is a good one. Most of the time I take it down. But not always. There are a couple of people I have decided I will never take anything down for. Bossy,
manipulative people who I owe no explanation to. But mostly, I respect reasonable requests from reasonable people who I know support me.

I'm not alone. We all have secrets. Things we can't post about. That's why we sometimes see vague comments on facebook. "I hate people" comes from someone clearly going through something specific. But, they won't be honest about what happened. Unless, you are a close friend! Everyone who sees it knows there is more to what's going on. But we also know if they wanted to tell us, they would.

It's too easy to forget that you have to be careful about what you say and do online. It's such an important part of everyday life. But bad things can happen if you aren't careful. Even if it takes a long time to happen. We all have things we can't say online. Sometimes, no matter how bad you want to, the smart decision is to not say or do it.