Let's start with 5 years from now. I'll be 37, Zach will be 9. That means Zach will be finishing up the 2nd grade. That's my favorite grade from when I Tutored and Subbed. I do picture myself trying to get pregnant, pregnant, or with a brand new baby. I picture Zach doing homework and playing a sport. I picture Josh further ahead in his career. I still picture us a happy and loving family. If there isn't another child happening, I think my life will basically be what it is now. With the exception of helping Zach with his homework and taking him to practice.
5 years ago was June of 2008. At the time, we were married for 3 1/2 years. That February I had my third miscarriage so during that time we threw ourselves into all sorts of distractions and started living as if we would never have kids. I may have been 27 but we had been through a lot. We also had gotten into playing more sports. In general, we spent a lot of time outside. That's also around the time Josh picked up golf. It's a light interest he dabbles in but I like that he has his own interests too.
At the time, when I thought about where we would be today, I pictured us with a baby, not a Preschooler. I pictured myself still loving to garden and living here. It turns out I was mostly right. There were a few little things I was wrong about but, this is what I pictured my life being. Back then I never would have guessed I'd have a blog. But, here I am. I know not everyone reading this thinks positively of me but I also know most do. Back then, I didn't think I'd be brave enough to deal with criticism. It turns out, I have matured enough in that time to put the criticism in perspective and respond accordingly.
Recently, that was tested. Last week there was one day with 600 readers. On the dashboard I can see the source of where they found me. Gawker had posted an article that day about a girl who complained about being beautiful. In a box was a link to an older post from early April about Samantha Brick, who complained about how hard it is being beautiful. In the comment section of the Samantha Brick article I saw a link to my blog and a series of insulting comments. I had met the link poster once before two months earlier. Four others were participating in making fun of me and my blog. Those four are strangers, insulting me when they have never met me. I have done nothing to any of these five people. I didn't deserve what was said. They talked like they were perfect and I should be too. I know each of them have their own flaws.
The link poster said I was the "ultimate example of Narcissistic Personality Disorder". It's a personal blog, all authors of personal blogs talk a lot about themselves and their families. You'll find that in many other blogs too. This blog isn't all I am. If you converse with me you will find I ask a lot about the person I am talking to or how something is going. When I knew my neighbor took the BAR I asked him a few months later if he passed (he did). I have only met her once, two months before that comment. At the time I asked a lot about her life.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
She doesn't know me that well at all. She said she reads every word of this blog. Really, you think I'm that awful but read it so thoroughly anyway? Why? If someone doesn't like reading my blog I'd rather they not. I'm not forcing anyone to read it. She talked like she was an expert on me. All those people came to this blog to laugh at me thinking this person was a valid resource. But we only met once. She isn't with me when I stand on the scale. I have NEVER been 163lbs. I was 135lbs at the doctor on Thursday. She clearly can't judge weight well. It makes you wonder what else she says authoritatively but knows little or nothing about. She isn't the only one who does that.
Here is the conversation:
When we judge others online we often do so based on something a stranger said. These 600 people read my blog after reading this conversation. They don't know how reliable she really is. They don't know if they would take her seriously if they knew her. Those who know me were surprised by her words. I can't tell you how many times I heard "that's not like you at all". This is what she needs to do to feel better about herself, read my blog and find ways to make fun of me. She encouraged others to do it too. There were no comments left there or here that day so I can only guess that some of those 600 readers agreed with her and others didn't. The most recent post that day was the one about "The OTHER Great Wall Of China". Maybe some of those people thought negatively about her for her actions and words.
Hopefully, some of those readers liked me and will continue to read my blog for positive reasons. I won't be changing how I do things. I know I have readers who like me. I have gotten many positive responses in the comment section of Huffington Post when I post links there.
Will I be blogging 5 years from now? Probably, but I don't know. What sport will Zach play? He seems to like baseball so we'll see. I don't know if Josh will still be with this company or not but he does have a lot of experience and I really do think he will move forward in his career at some point in the next 5 years.
I used to not be patient about this stuff. 5 years ago I wanted the answers. I didn't have to be experiencing them yet I just wanted to know what God's plan for the rest of my life was. Will we have kids? When? Will we ever have a house even if it's just renting? When will I die and of what? I used to want to know everything because I hate surprises.
Now, I like not knowing what's ahead. When Zach was born I put my trust in God. There are so many things out of our control I needed to do that relax a little. So far, trusting in God has worked out. I trust that even when bad things happen they happen for a reason. I learned that from past experience. It might take a while to know the reason but it's there. Some of the best things in our lives wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the worst things that happened.
Maybe we should put a box together with our favorite things from now and open it in five years. We could reminisce about today and laugh about the paths we are sent down. It would be a great family bonding activity. Our routines then will certainly be different from now and it could be fun to remember.