Monday, December 10, 2012

........And Then It Just Came Out (edited: 12/12/12)

Those who know me know that I say a lot of things. I say a lot of things others wouldn't. I am open about my miscarriages and eating disorder, for example, when others would keep those things private. This "just came out" comment isn't about anything that most people wouldn't be comfortable talking about. I may have finally found the source of my recent second baby dreams.

The other day I got a couple of small wreaths and tied them to the bottom of our banister. That was the day we got Zach's Christmas Card made and while waiting for them to print he wanted a five pack of light up candy canes. So I got them too. My upstairs neighbor didn't like it for an apartment. She said it is the kind of thing that looks great for a house but it's too much decorating for her simple tastes.

She's been going through a rough time including her father being in the hospital recently and he has been sick since August. I also have noticed her husband home sooner then he used to be and leaving later for the last two months or so. Clearly, his hours have been cut back at work but I haven't been told that officially. She was also generally having a bad day. Paula is a really nice person and she rarely has complaints and when she does, they are reasonable. I told her it wasn't a big deal and after dinner these decorations would be down. Yes, they celebrate Christmas. I never would have done it in the first place if they didn't. She also made some hurtful comments about the garden.

They weren't meant to be hurtful but I do have a high sensitivity to criticism from some people. She said she "isn't big on" my decorations and "isn't big on" container gardens. Now, our soil is horrible for growing stuff and we need to have flexibility to move the flowers around so the pots remain. She said it isn't how she would do it. Those aren't offensive words. But I get so many compliments on it, this bothered me that she didn't like it. She said I treat it like it's mine and it's really ours.

That's not true. We've talked about most of what we want to do. I've offered to show her my spreadsheets (which she isn't interested in) and remember flowers she mentions to include them in the garden too. Then a couple of days later she apologized.

She felt that the stairs were like me saying "F you" because that morning I had asked about putting a wreath on the outside door and she said she'd rather not because it would block her door decoration. That's why I put them on the stair handles. There they didn't block her door at all and just framed it to make her decoration stand out. It's just a bunch of evergreens with a bow. I told her that I definitely did not mean that in any way. I explained that I tried to respect what she said was important to her and took them down two hours after everything was put up. Of course the one neighbor who saw it said she loved it so that helped me feel better.

And then we got to the real problem, the garden. I refer to it as my garden because I work so hard on it she just wants me to remember it's her's too. So I told her the truth. That I think about what she has said all the time when planning and tending the garden. She might not like decorating but likes what I have and understands it's important to me. And then it just came out "that garden is like a second child to me!" She understands that. The garden compliments she hears are for me, not her. She never meant to hurt me and I explained that I understood it was a rough day. We agreed to communicate more but both felt happy with things as they are.

But that comment haunted me for the rest of the day yesterday "that garden is like a second child to me". In the first dream, Zach and I are gardening when he multiplies. It happened late in October when I was thinking about how much longer we might have the Mums for and starting to plan what to do with the Winter. It still doesn't explain the second dream since flowers and the garden in general aren't in it at all (not even in a vase) but Zach had admitted to thinking of Norma as his baby sister by then so I assume that's where the second dream came from.

It makes sense. We can't afford a second child but you take care of a garden and tend to your flower's needs a little like you do a baby. It's nurturing and watching as it grows. Of course, loving mothers don't throw their kids out when they die and replace them next year. But, there are enough similarities to understand where that thinking comes from.

I won't really know if this is the case. I plant the Pansies in mid-March so maybe I'll know around then. We got Josh's Mom "Winter pansies" in October that last until it's colder then 20 degrees and I have been thinking about getting one for next year. After writing this post I went to my charts and found a way to make two fit. I think it's just too important so I added them to the garden budget. It will be nice to have something last a little longer. My original reservations were because I would still go some of the Winter without flowers. But it would be less of the Winter and make a big difference.

Sometimes the answers to these questions just show up in unexpected places. By saying it out loud it made me address the real issue. It was easy to forget about wanting a second child with a garden to care for and distract me but I haven't had that in almost a month. I can still do some gardening research but I just don't know if that will cut it. It hasn't so far.

Final Edit (I promise): Oh the irony!!! The above blue was written yesterday. This morning I saw my Hyacinths starting to sprout out of the ground. They aren't supposed to do that until mid to late February but the weather has been too warm. Although, this didn't happen last year. Unfortunately, when it gets and stays colder they will die and won't come back when they are supposed to. They are annuals in this area so when I do my new Tulip/Hyacinth plan for next year I know I'll be thinking of this. I wasn't thinking we'd have flowers until March but we plan and God laughs. I got pregnant with Zach the day I planted the Hyacinths that were in there before. Nature or God sending a message? In time I will find out.

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