At the Doctor's this morning I got weighed, 134lbs. I know some of it is muscle from all the walking I do but I can't deny this any longer, I've hit a rut in my diet. I'm finding my self-restraint slipping. It's harder to avoid the no-nos.
I do eat healthy but when I took the time to really think about what's my weight gain problem I realized it's not "mostly healthy" like I had been saying, it's more "some healthy some not". Part of it is unavoidable. Last Thursday I made Baked Salmon, Romaine Lettuce with Homemade Vinaigrette Dressing, and Brown Rice. Sounds great, right? Well, I have found myself clumsy lately and half the Salmon landed on the ground when I was moving it from pan to plate. Due to not being able to afford healthy stuff we did Burger King, $10 for all of us.
Our Anniversary last week meant Bagels, BK, and Pizza so I wouldn't have to cook. Josh is helpful but can't cook. If we could have afforded to eat out at a restaurant I would have gotten a Chicken Cesar Salad. But that's not in the budget. I have been caving too often on these things and I have a couple of thoughts.
I. Lack of Consistent Sleep
I go to bed usually around 11:45 but wake up usually around 7:45. I also nap or just rest during Zach's one hour nap each day. 8 - 9 hours of sleep sounds reasonable right? Well I wake up around 3/3:30 and at 5 when Josh wakes to have that cracker and 4oz of juice to get me through until breakfast. As I mentioned in the last post, there is also Zach's interruptions. Because of the GAD I often awaken to odd dreams and it takes time to fall back asleep. This could be causing my clumsiness and my poor eating choices.
II Emotional Eating
My Dad commented last week that I easily lost the baby weight so he wondered what caused the weight gain starting when Zach was 14 months old. In the post, Avoiding Divorce, I talked about the biggest stresser in our lives at that time. But that started about a year before the eating issues and the rest of the debt was completely paid with some of this year's tax refund. Why does this battle continue?
I think it's a mix of both. The clumsiness is clearly from my sleep issues and studies show diet is effected by that too. I have always used shopping for stress relief. This includes just walking around a store, clearance racks only, and shopping for budgeted things. But every time I mentioned having been in a store I get criticised by everyone but Josh. Even when I just walk around. Suddenly my stress relief became a stesser too. The only thing that was approved by everyone due to our financial status was eating. About two years ago I started getting criticised for that too. The walks are nice but restricted due to weather. Face it, stress relief costs something.
What do they want me to do? What would be approved? What would not get criticised? Why must they take what works for me, as an individual, and make me defend it? Why can't I be left alone? If I was spending $100 a trip I could understand but how exactly is that $8 a shirt sometimes worrisome? Especially since I'm picky and only get what I need and use. My hobbies are criticized too. Why am I not allowed to be happy? Let me make this clear, Josh has always been supportive of this because he lives with me and understands my needs. He very rarely has criticised anything that has worked, he's not the problem.
But the problem is there. While I try to not let what the critics say effect who I am and what I do because it's none of their business it's hard to enjoy something when I know I'll hear about it later, defended or not. My usual defense is to criticise right back.
Maybe the real solution to the obesity epidemic is to stop criticising and judging each other. If we are free to enjoy other things then food no longer serves the purpose of being a stress reliever. Suddenly, sleep becomes easier because you are doing what you really want and need for reduced stress without worrying about what others will say.
In the meantime, I know my Dad would say "you're done with the flowers, right" but I will find myself buying another Mum, most likely, after Zach's nap. Working in the garden helps heal my soul. I can just remind him how good the Daisy I got Mom in May still looks. It's beautiful because of my care.. It is one left in a three pack. I'm the only one that cared for them so they didn't get watered as often as they needed.
The judgements won't stop but I have to find a better way to do what works for me, and remind them that it's a matter of mental and physical health so shut up and focus on your own problems, you're not perfect either. Let others do what they need to do to reduce stress. Life is hard, we all need a vice of some sort. Different does not equal wrong. Your way might not be better for someone else. Instead of judging for different choices we need to respect those choices unless it's something like drug or alcohol addiction because that's for the person's health and safety.
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