Today we took Josh to the Emergency room. He has been complaining of strong headaches and so we saw our regular Doctor this morning. Before anything, he wanted Josh to test his shunt. Josh has a shunt to drain the excess water from his brain. That's called Hydrocephalus. Josh has had it since birth. While there, they did blood work, a CT scan, and x-rays. The results were that everything is good it's just a migraine and so he needs prescription migraine medicine instead of Excedrin. Let's tally the expenses:
1. Doctor Morgan
2. ER Doctor
3. CT scan
4. Blood work
5. Shunt series (the x-rays of 3 places)
6. The medicine ($71.89 for just one day he was supposed to have 10 days but we can't afford that.)
7. ER related expenses
not to mention:
1. Whatever Migrane medicine Dr. Morgan prescribes to make up for the other stuff
2. MY two Dr. Morgan appointments from March
3. The blood work then
4. My Birth Control pills (which even with a $30 discount are $45 and change)
5. My Gyno appointment for the pain in my side.
6. Any testing or medicine from my Gyno appointment (on the 19th)
But that doesn't sound like I'm sacrificed! Well, I had to cancel my Nutritionist and Psychologist appointments for the time being which I know from experience I will definitely suffer from. I also found myself regretting those March Dr. Morgan appointments because the only thing coming out of that was "you're healthy but you need to see your Gyno". Thinking about the windfall of medical bills coming our way and knowing, after the prescription was filled tonight, we have $545 is our HSA account and only $83 a week that goes in, well, I found myself wishing I had neglected my own health just so we could have money to pay for all this. I even was tempted to cancel my gyno visit which will probably be accompanied by more testing possibly an ultrasound. But the pain is too strong to ignore in my side along with other issues like a period starting later then usual and ending sooner (usually 48 hours closer to 36 hours last month we'll find out this weekend about this time).
I was also thinking "Josh might just have to live with the headache if the medicine is too much" and then reminded myself what everyone will say to that "he is the one working. He shouldn't have to suffer. Get the medicine" but that's not an option depending on price. This medicine is a spray and he'll see if he can get free samples and/or a pill form that is a lot more affordable but those are the options. This is why I like Obama's Health Law (except for the "everyone required" part)
Obviously, we are going to have to make monthly payments and I find myself sorting in my head how it could work. $83 a week times 4 weeks is $332 a month so maybe $100 to the hospital and $50 to the doctors each month until all bills are paid. The current money will hopefully cover the sent out testing that we'll get from separate bills (hospital testing will be on the hospital bill and part of that $100). With a little left over to build a savings and pay for my pills and hopefully his prescription. I don't know if that will be necessary or what the owed amount will actually be. I'll have to figure something out. But I do know that I see Dr. Friedman (Psychologist) for a reason and this blog is going to get interesting as it becomes my supplement for therapy. (Here's a hint, I see him the first Tuesday of every month just look at posts from the end of months). There is a reason I used to see Dr. Friedman every two weeks since that's my actual needs but going to once a month is a sacrifice I already made. Along with other medical related sacrifices.
Zach matters. If he needs care, he gets it and that's it. Spare no expense. Josh matters. He makes the money so he needs to be able to function to do that well. I don't matter. My job is to take care of my family. No one was with my when I went to the doctor and no one will be with me at the Gyno even though I am a little scared since according to WebMD and the Mayoclinic I might have one of three things.
1. Ovarian Cyst (if it's something this is the best option)
2. Ectopic Pregnancy (baby grows in usually the Fallopian tube or elsewhere outside the uterus and if you wait too long could kill the mom if it gets too big and the tube bursts)
3. Ovarian Cancer
It's probably not cancer but God knows I long for a second and the only way to end this longing is to make it where a second is literally not an option which would mean no ovaries (and premature menopause and expensive surgery). All I know is I will be in that room alone yet it was my job to be there all day to support Josh (Zach was with my parents while we were at the hospital but I watched him while at Dr. Morgan's supporting Josh).
Don't they charge $500 for glancing at the hospital and $1,000 for walking through the entrance? It sure feels like it sometimes. I might not be able to afford to pay for my own care because of the bills we previously were waiting for and the ones incurred today. We might still be paying for this a year from now or more. But I'll be the one unable to take care of myself and I'll be the one forced to live in pain both physically and mentally because they matter and I don't. I'm just the stay at home Mom. I would only matter to the world if I had a job.
If I killed myself to spare the additional medical bills (I have life insurance) would it matter to anyone but Zach, Josh, My parents, My Brother, and the rest of my family/close friends? Are they the only ones that would miss me? What is my true value to the world? Everyone else is measured by what they make so that must make me completely worthless, and therefore sacrificable. I can suffer but they can't. I don't matter but they do. The world sees me as someone that doesn't contribute anything, so I'm worthless and should always be the one to sacrifice when sacrifice is necessary because I have nothing to offer.
I'm not going to kill myself and I am aware that there are a lot of things I do and that when I broke my foot, my parents and Josh learned that I don't just sit around when Zach's in school all day relaxing. Josh more then anyone says he considers me priceless. Zach needs his Mommy and there are times when I'm the best comfort he has. He knows Josh is sick and has been clingy to me when I could be there for him today and yesterday for added comfort. Mommy knows what he needs and takes care of him. Josh and Zach know that there are a lot of things that only I can get just right. My parents acknowledge that I do a lot too. My brother doesn't need me but he loves me and he does treat me like he (mostly) respects me. SAHMs aren't usually respected.
The whole "SAHMs are worthless, lazy, selfish, sacrificeable, drains" is societies views, not those of the friends and family members who love me and know me well. This is how SAHMs are seen and it's not an accurate view on things. I will make these sacrifices and Josh has had headaches his whole life so dealing with them isn't new to him. He's going to have to sacrifice too if the price of the medication is too high. Don't get me wrong, there is a good chance that I'll start making him see a Neurologist once a year but that's WAY more affordable then now when we know it's just a migrane
I don't know the true cost of all of this and I hope the bills come stagnant enough where it's manageable. This is where we have to trust that God won't give us more then we can handle and he'll help us find a way not to drown in this. I sacrifice a lot and I know that I'll always have to be the first to make sacrifices and not just medically. Most moms are like that but it gets harder for SAHMs because of that stereotyping I mentioned above. I'm sure some SAHMs fall under that but I certainly don't and those that think I do aren't the people who love me and know me well. I don't respect those people either.
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