I had my appointment with my doctor. I told him about my recent diet issues and that I was concerned it was a thyroid issue. He took blood work and the regular things. He didn't even let me finish listing my exercise routine before saying "wow". How's the thyroid? normal but my calcium was high. The foot doctor has gotten spooked when I broke my foot for the fifth time and over prescribed calcium. I actually have a scar on my arm from a calcium cyst the size of a marble that was removed January of my freshman year in High School. Okay cool I'll just take 1 pill instead of 2. Then he took me by surprise....
When he examined my pelvic area it hurt and he was concerned enough to say "keep an eye on it and see your gynocologist". My period has been getting shorter and shorter with the start of this cycle being the shortest and starting later and later. It was around ovulation time for this appointment but I got a positive pregnancy test at this point before (3rd miscarriage) so I took a test anyway (gotta love dollar tree it's how I learned about Zach). Nope not pregnant. It's probably a cyst but it could be cancer so I understand the concern. I've had an ovarian cyst before (once 6 years ago) so that makes the most sense.
Last Friday was that appointment and so I had until Monday to worry about the test results. It gave me time to face the facts. A pregnancy would have been both thrilling and terrifying. I had been having a rough time lately dealing with all the things big and small that others can have that we can't. Smart phone, nope can't afford it and don't need it but it doesn't help when almost everyone you see has one. There is a long list of things both expense related and diet related that I have to deny myself and it's emotionally been hard to deal with so I have found myself stress eating again. That weekend I faced the reality. It's not the other stuff I can't have that really is upsetting me, it's a second child. Most of my life there are three things I have always wanted.
1. Husband that is my Soul Mate (that's you sweetheart! I love you Josh!)
2. A House (I love my home and this desire has gone away on it's own)
3. 2 Kids (and here's the hard part.........)
Zach is terrific, fantastic and any other positive thing you can say about a kid. He has his tantrums at times when you would expect anyone (even adults) to have tantrums. You can't get a better kid. But I can't look away when I see a tiny baby and it doesn't help that I've been looking for cloths in the garage and can't stop coming across my maternity cloths (they used to be in a separate box but Josh mixed them). It's the one thing I know I will regret about my life. I'll never be okay with this and as Zach gets closer to three I get more people looking at my stomach and asking if there are plans for another then ever before. It hurts because I wanted Zach to be 3 or 4 when he became a big brother and I know this won't happen. It's so bad my Dad wants me back on medication but I told him Meds won't "fix" me and they didn't work last time. He just wants a solution to help me feel better but this time there isn't one. I don't know how I'll deal with this but I'll try.
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