I have gained 10 pounds in the last 5 months. Now, 4 1/2 months ago I turned 30. You know that magic number when things go really well or really bad with rarely a middle ground. In November, I started needing to wake up twice a night for a cracker and juice in order to get back to sleep and make the shaking stop. I'm Hypoglycemic meaning I have low blood sugar and need frequent meals to balance it. Earlier in the week, I went to the doctor and a nutritionist. After journaling my food for 5 weeks I knew I needed to do a better job with everything but my morning yogurt and dinner. However, I have been having mood swings too starting around my birthday and weight gain that quickly (like I went from 120 after Zach was born to 124 suddenly after 15 months and I was still getting a lot of exercise). The doctor asked if it could be Post Partum Depression (PPD) which can still occur with the kid this age.
Most of the diet modifications are doable without me feeling like I can't enjoy food anymore but compromise was in order. Yes I will be eating my burger with a bun but it's a homemade burger with the fat drained. No, I only have pancakes once a week and I'm not having it with broccoli (I'd hate to eat her cooking!) What do you mean I can't have 3oz of yogurt? It's Dannon Light n Fit!!! It's the only fruit I get in the day! However, Most of her changes I'm doing. No more Pop Tart for breakfast but I'm good with a quick egg and 1/2 a bowl of special K in 1% milk. For the second yogurt morning snack I can replace that with unsalted nuts like almonds. Lunch? 3 slices of Turkey, mustard, 1 slice cheese and whole wheat bread instead of white bread? No big deal. Afternoon snack, well this week I craved Roasted Red Pepper Hummus and Pita Bread. That's perfect!? Great!!! Why isn't the cheese before bed lasting? Okay I'll replace that with Pumpernickel and Spinach dip! I'm not giving up my Sunday pancakes as they are now or the once a week take out (Mama needs a day off!!!) but for the most part this is doable. When she first said drop the pancakes I wanted to kill myself. I even yelled at her "You mean I can never eat anything I enjoy again? I don't think so lady!!!" It took about 10 minutes to calm me down. I actually thought, "It's not worth living if I'm food wise trapped with this for the rest of my life!!!"
Suicidal thoughts over food? That's not right. Yes I'm upset that I can't just take a magic thyroid pill that will make me thin again within a week (it happened the last time I needed thyroid medicine). I feel trapped by food and always have. I don't feel like I can eat much diversity without feeling like I'm eating something that will make me fat. I just was reminded of our tight $145 weekly grocery budget and how expensive the good for you stuff actually is. When she wanted me to go for hormone free meats I had to tell her it's not in the budget. She didn't seem to comprehend what a budget like that means. All of our things are tightly budgeted like that. It's a frustration especially with the expense of living in Northern NJ. It's stressful that Josh's raise wasn't what it usually is. If it was, the grocery budget would be much easier to work with. I don't want to go to suicidal thoughts especially vocalize them since I never want Zach to see that as a problem solver.
Maybe it is PPD. I'm happy to be around my loved ones and Zach is a joy but I do get sad at seeing my little boy and knowing I'll probably never have another one. I really want another one. I miss baby. It's frustrating to live under this budget but the only (other?) time I had depression was towards the end of an 18 month long job search starting in October 2004 and ending in April of 2006 when I got a job as an Art Consultant at a Thomas Kinkade Gallery. It lasted 6 months when they laid me off closing a few months later. I didn't send out resumes after that. 18 months of an average of 4 interviews a month and never hearing back will do that to someone. Especially with someone who has a history of self esteem issues. No one wants me. I'm not good enough. The only thing I can do right is take care of my family (just Josh then but it wasn't long after we started trying to get pregnant). My anxiety was getting worse. Too many people have dogs and, being scared of dogs, I had issues even going outside for a walk. Citalopram here I came! My happy pills.
That's why when people say "just get a job" it's not as easy for me as that. I can't deal with the rejection and I'm not cutthroat enough to function in the corporate world. I believe in fairness and bosses don't. To be fair, that entire time I was a tutor at Sylvan Learning Center in town and a substitute for Elementary schools for a year and a half. If Sylvan had hours for me, I'd still be working (although our dinners would be way more unhealthy then they are now). I honestly don't think anyone understands my or my reasoning's except my Psychologist but this is my reality. Some of those rejected jobs were part time with a mix of business and teaching.
Throwing salsa at Josh for going over the grocery budget this past Saturday, suicidal thoughts over my diet, yelling at my mom with constant insults because she said she doesn't like my tuna since I use too much mayo (Mom, much less water in your Italian Food sauce! I mean that one)? That's not like me. neither is throwing my wedding band at the wall during that grocery argument because Josh said I'll never do better then him (I do get hit on from time to time so my guess is that wouldn't be a problem). We made up and eventually found my ring but I'm not usually like that. No, it's not PMS and I took a pregnancy test, negative. Maybe it is PPD.
Zach isn't in any danger unless hugs and kisses constitute danger. All I wanted from Josh was a phone call from the store so we could work out a way to stay in budget, he returned extras and we were back to under budget. I'm not ready to say it's definitely PPD but I am willing to consider it as a possibility. Josh, what do you think? My mom doesn't think it is PPD but it's something that could cause weight gain (so can carrying a sleeping 27 pound kid about 100 feet almost daily).
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