This is where God is funny. Josh had an interview today for a Distribution Center manager in possibly the same building he's working in now but for Home Depot. The job is perfect for him!!! It combines the skills of every job he's ever had!!! They said they really liked him. Now it's a couple weeks wait until the interview with the Regional Manager (they are opening a few new stores so he's there for other interviews for a lot of jobs). There might be other interviews too but there is at least one more. This is where God is funny. With this job we'd be able to afford another child.
I have been saving Zach's old clothing and trying to keep them nice since he was born. When pregnant we choose things like the nursery theme to be gender neutral just in case. I have made a lot of dream sacrifices to be a SAHM such as a house and two kids, but that second child has been a painful thing to give up. Everyone please pray (in whichever way you do based on your religion) that Josh gets this job.
Destiny is a funny word. I had gone through a tough patch these past two months coping with that we'll never have another baby again. You might remember my post on possibly having PPD. Well, lately I have been feeling a lot better. My emotional comfort object is hugging and kissing my son, when he'll let me, and shopping for the things we had saved up to get anyway that are just now hitting stores. I also have resumed an exercise routine that's a quick 15 minutes but consists of stomach to one song, stepper to another song, yoga and pilate's to a third song, and 1lb weight aerobics to a fourth (well one weight disappeared courtesy of Zach but I ordered another set and it'll arrive soon until then I hold my hands in fists). I've lost two pounds in two weeks.
Maybe it's God's plan for us to have one more. Maybe it's our destiny that just when I'm moving on we have a possibility for that to come true. I really hope Josh gets this job. We need it for a lot of ways but I think Josh also needs it for his own reasons. His jobs haven't really had a career path to them but they have been good jobs. This job is the next step in the path that has been set up for him by God, his destiny, a challenge he's ready for. He was originally interviewing to be a department Manager based on his retail management skills. This is so much more suiting to his personality. He loves his current job (Quality Control Manager at Arthur Schumann inspecting important Italian cheese) but there isn't any growth for him.
As for me: I have been trying to get over my longing for another, especially a daughter (have you seen those precious Easter dresses in Kohls!!!) by reminding myself what we went through for Zach (3 miscarriages 2 years of trying) and what a high risk pregnancy was like (progesterone medication shoved up my "area" twice a day for 10 1/2 weeks (1/2 through week 4 when I found out I was pregnant through week 15), weekly ultrasounds through week 8, gestational diabetes, prelabor, and bed rest). Basically, it was a stressful experience all around. I can't forget the labor that lasted 7 hours. I dilated too fast for an epidural. Episiotomy on one side and a tear on the other along with three burst hemroids. He had the cord around his neck hence the Episiotomy part. APGARs of 9 and 9 though.
I'll do it all again for another baby, boy or girl. I try to remind myself that Zach is literally everything we have always talked about hoping our child would be like making another child a terror. But then I see something he's outgrown and tears form in my eyes. I had just given up all hope and moved on then Josh get's home with this news, making it impossible for me to move on and give up hope. Is this God being mean to me for laughs or does he not want me to give up hope because another child, boy or girl, is in our future?
Zach's birthday is even perfect. At the time we started trying to get pregnant I was applying to be a classroom teacher and was a Tutor at Sylvan Learning Center. I wanted to be due when school was basically out so my maternity leave would be over the summer. While trying I kept saying the birthday doesn't matter but, somehow, I never let go of June. On June 5th he'll be two.
I don't think I'll ever give up hope on wanting another baby, unless I get one. A boy would be a little cheaper since we have the wordrobe thing but, oh, a little girl, active yet girly. Someone I can give my old Barbie dolls too. Someone who I can dress in pink, and put pigtails in her hair, and someone who I can give my "brother's are difficult but here's how you handle them" advice to. Why won't God let me let go of this dream too? What is my destiny? The pain that I'll experience if Josh doesn't get a job where we can afford another one after having this dangled in front of me is something I might never get over, at minimum it'll be very difficult. If that's the case, God's just cruel. But, God's not supposed to be cruel. I guess the hope will linger for just a little while longer.
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| The day he was born |
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| 1 week old |
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| 1 week old |
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| 1 week old |
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