It was third grade. The 1989 - 1990 school year. I have always been small for my age. I also was a very quiet and shy person. Scared of authority even when I wasn't doing anything wrong. That sentence came from the substitute Art teacher. We were learning about Pointillism. Making pictures through dots.
Our regular Art teacher was on maternity leave. Mrs. J. was always one of those people I felt comfortable around. The substitute made me nervous. I don't know why. She was very nice and caring. That comment was out of concern. Was I okay? No, I wasn't.
It was a panic attack. One of many in my life. Every once in a while that sentence pops into my head. I still remember exactly where I was sitting in the classroom too. Maybe that's because Mrs. J. was always a comfort person for me.
When it comes to people I instantly get an instinct about them. Most people I have to be around for a while before I am comfortable with them. Others, I'm instantly comfortable around. When a panic attack hits, these are the people that help stop it quicker. Finally, is the group of people I will never be comfortable around.
I started shaking yesterday. I was doing the library at Zach's school. Convulsing is probably a more accurate word. Uncontrollable and only visible to anyone close to me. But, there was not a way to tell what made them start. I looked down at my hand and heard it again in my memory.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
About a month ago I ended up in the ER with a panic attack. Zach jumped on my back in 5ft at the town pool. One problem, I'm 5' 3" and swallowed a lot of water. I had read about dry drowning and was very scared. Dry drowning is when you are out of the water but have water in your lungs and start drowning. It could happen hours after swimming. Tests showed that I was fine, just a panic attack. I had to stay until I calmed down.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
Yes. While writing this I am shaking. I shake quite often. Most of the time, it doesn't get in the way of living. But, it does when it's like what happened yesterday. I'm not even sure yesterday was a panic attack. I don't know what would have caused it. But, I was resting while Zach and his classmates were being read to. Sitting on a chair at the desk. Visibly shaking for no apparent reason.
Panic attack symptoms are hard to identify. So many of them are symptoms of something else. I often don't know "if it's something real or a panic attack". When I said that in the ER the nurse corrected me. "Panic attacks are real too. They are just as important as other things."
Symptoms
https://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia/symptoms- Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
- Sweating
- Trembling or shaking
- Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
- Feelings of choking
- Chest pain or discomfort
- Nausea or abdominal distress
- Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint
- Chills or heat sensations
- Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
- Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
- Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
- Fear of dying
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
Yes. I do a lot of things to try to calm down. If I'm home and available, I take Tylenol and sit up in bed until my body calms down. The last time I did this Zach brought me a stuffed animal to help make me feel better. What I needed was his other action. He was absolutely perfect while I calmed down. No parenting stress during that time.
I am feeling 9 of them right now. It's time to try that bed rest thing. Sometimes, I know what has triggered my panic attack. I take measures to avoid panic causing situations. But, other times, they hit from out of the blue without an identifiable cause.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
That substitute had shoulder length strait blond hair, bangs, and blue eyes. She was about my parent's age. At that point, she had become our regular Art teacher. I was passed the point of being nervous over who would fill in for a favorite teacher. That wasn't the trigger that day.
Sometimes when I look down at my hands, they shrink in my mind. To the size of a nine year old's. A tiny 9 year old. Trying to stop the shaking so she can do what she is supposed to in Art class. Feeling like she let her teacher down over something she can't control. But, I didn't let the teacher down. She was just concerned about it.
The shaking never stops. It just eases a bit. I never really know what causes my panic attacks. I don't think they are ever over. They just have times when they are worse then normal.
"Are you shaking while you are doing this?"
I'd stop it if I could!!!
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