I don't look good in pictures. Having my picture taken has always made me uncomfortable. Why do I never look right? Recently, something happened to make me dig deeper into this.
A year ago my childhood babysitter died. She's the one I talked about in the post "My Dona". A friend of hers mentioned the anniversary on facebook. That led to a conversation with my mom about the pictures we have with her in them. It also led to some self exploration.
When my brother was born the number of pictures with me alone in them decreased. That's not unusual. But a lot of the time he wasn't the one in the picture with me. They are mostly people I put in the category of "comfort people". Like comfort objects but people not things. The people who ease my anxiety most of the time. Some people fall under that category just from their voice or simply seeing them. They probably all know who they are. I'm smiling as I think about them.
But it's not a "make love to the camera" kind of smile. My dad has always struggled to get a picture of me smiling in a way that looks like a real smile. My mom can attest that there isn't a word in any language that saying could get a smile out of me. She's looked over my dad's shoulder and tried literally any word she could think of. Those Christmas pictures were a nightmare! I hope family and friends appreciated them!
Most moms tend to not be in many pictures once they have kids. I wasn't in many pictures from a much earlier age. I never realized what was happening. Until I realized how easy it was to get the smile my dad wanted when Dona was in the picture with me.
I do have a favorite picture of the two of us. She started taking care of me at about six months old. In it, I'm a baby touching her mouth as I stare at it. She's smiling lovingly back at me. It captured one of those early moments when I was getting to know her.
It's a different type of camera shy. It's outright camera fear! I have a lot of fears, anxieties, and worries. I never thought of it as a fear. Just something I hated doing but had to put up with. It explains why it's so hard to get me to smile unless at least one "comfort person" or "comfort object is with me. The comfort is relaxing. It makes it easier to be me.
Good, because my dad is tired of pictures where I'm either hiding behind Zach or am doing something so you can't see my face. It's like getting blood work done. As long as I don't see the needle, it can be taken without issue.
General Anxiety Disorder is only present when your anxieties, worries, and fears get in the way of your ability to live normally. Even if you don't like getting your picture taken, you are most likely not outright scared of it. It's a different type of camera shy.
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