10 Years Of Marriage

Next week is our 10th Wedding Anniversary!

July 1998 - Boyfriend/Girlfriend
August 1999 - got Engaged
October 2004 - got Married

A lot has happened throughout our relationship.

I feel like I belong in Josh's arms.
He knows me better then anyone else.
He supports me more then anyone else.
I feel safe when I am with him.
I trust him.
We still fit together perfectly even after years of body changes. (hugs)
His kisses are still magical.
I still know in my heart, he's my soul mate.

Our hobbies have changed but not our core values. They are still the same. We still have most things in common but respect each other's individual interests and allow time for that. We both enjoy making the other person happy. We always have. Our marriage is full of laughter, hugs, cuddles, kisses, smiles and love. We still miss each other when apart all day. We both find comfort in each other's arms. Sometimes just hearing the other person's voice makes us both feel better.

There is a lot that goes into a good marriage. Through a recent rough patch, we realized that there is only one topic we actually ever argue about. Once we realized that, we have both been working to get closer. We have been past that rough patch for a while now. When a rough patch hits, both people have to make the decision about if they want to work on it or not. We both know the other wants to work it out too. We have been extremely close and happy since we worked thing through. We don't argue that often but, it's still good to find a way to work through issues without arguing.

It was an unusual solution but it will work for the future. Josh needs to be moving when we are disagreeing. It doesn't become an argument when we talk about a stressful topic while walking. He used to walk away if we started disagreeing at home. I felt like he wasn't listening to me. So we decided to get his weights when tensions started to rise. He could lift as needed. In the one almost-argument since then they worked perfectly. The second they hit his hands voices relaxed and we were focused and listening to each other. The problem was calmly and quickly solved. You have to know your partner really well in order to find an unusual solution like that. Sometimes it's the unusual solutions that work.

There is so much about marriage that revolves around routine. I make the lunches each day. Josh takes out the garbage and recycling. Laundry gets done, bills get paid, dinner gets cooked, Zach gets cared for, and the apartment gets cleaned. But we find away to connect while doing these necessary tasks. We find humor in the routine. You find ways to positively bond through the routine. So many couples don't connect while doing the routines and their marriages fall apart. But through working together and finding laughter through the routines, you can make your marriage stronger.

One example, last night Zach did "The Macarena" positions in his sleep................in order. That included rolling over. It was a shared parenting joke as we checked on him often to sure enough find the next position. Zach has never done "The Macarena".

I don't think there is a secret to marriage. I've posted the below advice before. Since then, professionals have read and approved of it. We naturally do all of these things. It's why we can work through the few rough patches we've had in 16 years. That's the funny thing about this advice. If you are with the right person, these things are reflexive for both of you. In a healthy relationship, BOTH people naturally do these things. That's why there isn't a secret to a good marriage. If you are in a good marriage, you are naturally doing these things. You naturally feel safe, loved, and happy.

Here is what I can offer in terms of advice:

1. BOTH PEOPLE HAVE TO GIVE AND TAKE!!! If something is important to the other person but not that important to you, let them have their way but they need to return the favor.

2. COMPROMISE!!! The best way to resolve differences is to compromise so that both people feel satisfied with the end results.

3. COMMUNICATE!!! No one is a mind reader. The other person can't know what you want or need if you aren't telling them clearly. Sometimes one person THINKS they are communicating their wants or needs but are trying to be subtle then they get mad when their partner doesn't understand. Unless the communication is clear, it probably won't be understood. Communication also needs to be complete, you can't make assumptions about something, ask about anything you might be thinking that you haven't talked about yet.

4. PERSONAL TIME!!! It's important to have your own interests and spend time apart. If you never miss each other, you'll get sick of each other. By having your own interests it keeps you as an individual and that means your more likely to be satisfied in your relationship. Too many people feel like there must be something wrong if you like spending time apart but the truth is, that individual time and individual interests are great to talk about with each other and a great way to still feel like you are your own person.

5. LET HIM/HER CHANGE!!! A common comment "you're not the (man/woman) I married" of COURSE not! People change through time. A common mistake when you get married is envisioning that your spouse will always be that person you love right now. They will change. Their thoughts and interests will change as will yours. Let your partner have those changes and let yourself have those changes. As you both change, you will need to use the other tools like communication and compromise to understand your partner's new interests and thoughts but by communicating and compromising you can remain happy with your partner because you'll still UNDERSTAND them.

6. MEET EACH OTHER'S NEEDS!!! When you make sure their needs get met, you are taking care of them and if your partner feels you are meeting their needs, they won't look elsewhere for those needs to get meet.

7. FLIRT: OFTEN!!! Especially if you have differing sex drives flirting is a way to let your partner know you still desire them. If they feel desired by you, they won't look for someone else who desires them. There are things other then sex that you can do to keep that spark alive.