Making Resolutions

I don't do resolutions anymore. I used to, but it's not worth it. Because I had the same problems most people have:

1. Either I give up on them at some point in the year
2. Or I forget what they were at some point in the year

They usually are common resolutions:

1. loose weight (worded in various ways but you get the idea)
2. Give birth to a healthy baby (when pregnant I was about 4 months that year)
3. Get pregnant
4. Not miscarry
5. Plan my dream wedding (thanks Mom and Dad)
6. Graduate (High School then College)

Those are just the resolutions I remember. We all have some we remember and some we don't. The common advice for making resolutions is to go small. Make little resolutions that are more achievable. But make them as little steps to accomplishing a big goal. With the "loose weight" resolution the common advice is to make small goals, like loose a pound a week that leads to the big goal of "loose 15 pounds". It's easier to stay motivated with realistic goals. So that's what I am doing this year, keeping my resolutions small and achievable.

This year I am writing mine in this blog post so I don't forget. We'll see next year if I actually did any of them.

1. Kiss Josh every day (cheating here I do that already)

2. Kiss Zach every day (again, cheating since I do that already too)

3. Gain weight (the losing weight resolution doesn't work so I might as well try the reverse. I'm currently 142 lbs)

4. Learn how to identify more plants (Fine Gardening has helped with that.  I want to be able to identify favorites during my walks)

5. Find a middle name for the daughter we'll never have

The real reason I stopped having resolutions is because of the life goals I will never accomplish. When I was a Freshman in High School I made two goal lists. One was things I wanted to accomplish by High School graduation and the other was a list of life goals. I don't remember the High School goals but I graduated on the Honor Roll having gotten into the first college I applied to September of my Senior year. It was my first choice school. Those were most likely the most important goals I still had by my Senior year. I have listed the life goals before.

1. Marry soul mate
2. 2 kids a boy
3. and a girl
4. A house

It's rare for me to feel sad that we will never have a house. But a house means a garden I can do whatever I want with. You have to get permission to plant in the ground or run the risk of the Condo Board pulling it up. They rarely do move and pull up plants planted by residents but they like taunting me with that reminder that they can. That's why almost all of my garden is in pots. I also can't stand the anxiety of who will move in upstairs and what they will be like. A fear of the unknown.

I still long for a second child. When Josh was working the overnight shift in October and November he slept when Zach was in school and went with me to pick Zach up. There were a few babies picking up big brothers there. Yes BROTHERS somehow ALL of the older siblings are BROTHERS!!! Two of the babies are girls and one let me hold her for a nice long time. A baby brother let me hold him for a nice long time too on a separate occasion.

But Josh is such a little girl magnet!!! He was born to have a Daddy's girl! When we started dating, one of the things that drew me to him was how close he has always been to our niece. She was 2 then but about to graduate High School this year. It melts my heart seeing him with a little girl! His eyes get a little sparkle when I mention the idea of a daughter.

I know even if we could afford a second there is no guarantee we'd have a girl. That's why I save ALL of Zach's cloths. But the hope is there and that's why all the big things like the crib and stroller are gender neutral. Just......in......case............................

Josh very much loves his son and would very much love another son but words can't describe him with these little girls. That includes Zach's classmates. He is one of those men that's built to have a daughter! Zach is very much a Mommy's boy. I take pride in that. He makes it clear he loves his Daddy but there is no doubt about it, he's 100% Mommy's boy and has been, literally his entire life. If we had a daughter, it would be an incurable Daddy addiction hands down! I wouldn't blame her.

Nicholas (Nick/Nicky) Jacob
Caroline (Cara) __________

Those are the names. It's funny, we chose Caroline for a girl long before we settled on Zach. A twisted part of me thinks God was simply waiting for us to settle on a boy name before giving us Zach. It's an odd way to explain the miscarriages that the doctors can't explain.

Caroline's middle name has changed a lot:

Caroline Quinn
Caroline Clare
Caroline Sonny
Caroline Lucy

We still like Caroline Lucy but it doesn't FEEL right. When I miscarried the first baby at 13 weeks we were still in College. We decided to name that baby Alex. A gender neutral name. I am forever haunted with the question, "boy or girl?" I won't know until I die.

Maybe that's why I still want to have set in stone names for both genders. There is a hole in my heart where those babies belong. After the third miscarriage I stopped giving things up for Lent. I gave up enough already. That's what I do tell people when they ask me what I gave or will give up for Lent.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Lent

Maybe I am still searching for peace. I am going through the stages of mourning over this loss and maybe this would be the closure I need. I doubt it though. The things you truly want are impossible to get over not having. I have had a lot of things I have wanted and will never have but those losses don't haunt me.

Only God knows if Josh will get his Caroline. One possibility is to use my maiden name, a tradition in my family for daughters. The more I think about it, the more I like that. I LOVE my maiden name and am proud of the family history that goes along with it. I think Josh's Daddy's girl finally has a full name. The pain of knowing he will never meet her hurts as much as losing those babies.

Sometimes, I dream about posting a picture of a positive pregnancy test on this blog and announcing a baby number 2 and follow up posts on how the pregnancy is going or if I miscarry again. I can see them all so clearly. I can't control when these dreams hit but they always look the same.

Resolutions can be great motivators. They can also be great conversation topics. I like my resolutions and will probably be able to keep them. We'll see if Caroline has a set in stone middle name before 2015 though. Only God knows if you will ever see that blog post with a pregnancy announcement but I wouldn't be on the lookout for it. Some dreams are impossible to let go of.

Happy New Year Everyone!