MOMMY!

Every once in a while Zach goes through a phase where he gets clingy to me. He wants to be with me every waking minute. He doesn't want me out of his sight. It's adorable but instincts told me there is more to this then just curiosity and separation anxiety.

His best friend from school lost his Mommy to a car accident in September of 2011. His father is awesome and is doing everything he can to be there for the important things in N's life as well as his older brother G's. He has a lot of close friends and family for support. There are loving Mother figures in their lives but their mom is gone. N was almost 3 at the time. This very well could be the cause of Zach's separation anxiety from time to time.

They talk all the time and N has been going through a rough patch recently. I asked Zach if N has been talking about his Mom and Zach said "yes". He might be scared of me dying. On Friday Josh took off from work but needed to get a new cell phone. My parents agreed to watch Zach for a little while so we could take care of that. Zach threw a fit! It took my Dad a while to calm him down but he did. Zach said he "didn't want to miss anything".

He did the same thing last night. It was bedtime but he didn't want to go to bed. He "didn't want to miss anything". Eventually, we got him to sleep. He's had these phases before he started school but I do think they are a little bigger now. On Friday he kept telling Daddy to "go away" so he could be alone with me.

Now that I know what is bothering Zach, I can do my best to help him through it. I can't promise I'll always be around. That promise would make mourning harder if something did happen to me. But, I can promise I will always love him. I can comfort him and teach him to cherish all of our time together. I can teach him to do what I do, always say "I love you" when saying goodbye to a loved one. Because you never know when that will be the last time you see them and it's something they should always know.

We don't have a will yet but I have been thinking about it recently. Because accidents happen. Murders happen. I can't promise I'll be alive until I'm very, very old but I can promise to make sure he will always be taken care of, at least to the best of my ability. Josh and I had talked about that when I was pregnant with him. My parents until they die then Uncle Hugh. Although, with Uncle Hugh engaged I need to see how his fiancee and him feel about that. I'd love to ask Aunt Sonny and her long-time fantastic boyfriend how they feel about that too. But Hugh is my brother and Sonny is my cousin. She's as close to a sister as I'll ever have (and yes, when my Mom was pregnant I really, really, really wanted a sister. He would have been Lauren if I had a say). She's also fantastic with Zach and has great financial stability. Any of these three couples would be wonderful homes for him. Sonny and Hugh are his Godparents.

But we are all still alive and here. Am I happy? No. Not now. Because while I have hope for a second child there is nothing to show the possibility for a change in status anything soon. A piece of my heart is missing. My best therapy, the garden, isn't there right now because it's January. This morning I dreamt that I was at the Nursery buying the Spring flowers even though it was still January. At least it's mid-January so mid-March, when I get the Pansies, isn't that far away. I try to tell myself I'm happy but I'm not. I am, however, alive and here for my family who I know loves me. It's ironic really, I have considered suicide in the past but could never leave Zach. I have never planned or attempted it but I have thought about it. But my son needs me. We need each other. Mommy will not be the one responsible for him loosing me..............ever!!!