With Generalized Anxiety Disorder your mind doesn't shut off.................ever. I have yet to be convinced that it will shut off when I die. This means interesting things happen sometimes in my sleep. I do walk around in my sleep and have reoccurring things in my dreams including pools and running away. It helps to try to figure out the source of the dreams. This one is a head scratcher......sorta.
Zach is off from school today and I decided that today is the day we switch the garden to Fall 5. That just means only the pumpkins and my light up pumpkin decorations. The Mums all died in the snow. He loves helping with these things and is excited about the Home Improvement binder because it's more to learn and help with. He's been watching "Bob the Builder" again but this time it's like he's studying it.
So I'm not surprised about the part of my dream where we are doing things together like gardening. I was surprised that I start off with one of him and turn around to see two of him. They are twins but it's almost like we forgot about the twin. We decide to name him Nicholas Jacob and start calling him Nicky. I even say "we'll have to get you a birth certificate, Nicky". In the dream I start doing things like cuddling with Nicky and Zach crawls to my other side and I embrace him too. The rest of the dream is me doing my normal parenting thing but this time with two identical kids instead of one.
There are a couple of possibilities to where this came from. Zach has a classmate named Nicky. Josh and I decided when I started getting double egg yolks a year ago to think of baby names. Remember, it's an old wives tale that double yolks mean twins and even Josh's mom got a double toy egg when pregnant with Josh and his twin. One name we liked when choosing Zach's name was Nicholas Jacob. Jacob is Josh's twin's name.
Zach's classmate Nicky's grandfather is a long time scout master in the troop my brother went through and is now a scout master in as well. His initials are NT. Yesterday, as Zach ran out the door at pick up, I caught sight of Nicky getting his coat on. While it wasn't a big deal at the time maybe the fact that he shares the name with our would be second child stuck in my head.
The most likely possibility though is probably because I have been ignoring any thoughts about a second child and my mind wanted me to confront them. I've ignored them because there isn't anything we can do about it yet. We still can't afford another one. The questions are increasing about a second one so I answer honestly "I'd love another but we can't afford it". Instead, I have focused on enjoying Zach. He still loves to sit on my lap and snuggle for a while and it makes me happy that he likes to do the same things I enjoy doing. He also has been asking me to sit next to him in the car like I did when he was a baby. He's a fantastic kid.
During the storm we talked a lot about how great Zach was being. We talked a lot about how he is literally everything we hoped our child would be when we started trying to get pregnant and when I was pregnant. Yes, I used the word "literally". Josh has told himself that we would probably get a difficult kid next time to counter what he still admits is a desire for another.
There was a day a few weeks ago where 3 out of 6 eggs had double yolks. Editors note: the day after this post I got 2 out of five eggs with double yolks. We started joking about it. But Josh is a twin and there are twins in my family. My Mom's biggest fear both when I started taking Clomid and at my first ultrasound with Zach was that there would be two. Clomid is a medicine that helps you ovulate and in my case it helped me ovulate when I was supposed to. I was taking it when I thought I had my period with the third baby. You aren't supposed to take it when pregnant though so I suspect that's what led to that third miscarriage. Sometimes I think about what those babies would have been like. Another thing I have to wait until death to find out.
Lately, I have been watching Zach and wondered how he would handle being a big brother. He's been talking about a classmate, Kaden and Kaden's younger sister a lot lately. He loves all the attention he gets and doesn't even let Josh and me have a conversation lasting more then five minutes without wanting us to pay attention to him. I have been thinking that it would be a rough transition for him. In the dream he doesn't like sharing my attention with Nicky at first but is happy when he realizes he still has our love and we do still pay attention to him. In the dream he adapted well to being a brother when he learned more about what his new life would be like.
Is that why I had that dream? To see what Zach would be like as a brother? Why was Nicky a twin instead of a younger brother? How did I just know how to make the adjustment easier for Zach? I suspect the twin part is because of Nicky's middle name being that of Josh's twin. What I found is that I liked having two wonderful boys. I used to baby sit in High School for a family with two boys who were as wonderful as Zach is and later their younger brother. I know for a fact with loving and caring parents you can have multiple kids be really good kids.
Because of that it's hard for me to say what Josh says. It's been easier to ignore it. As gardening is no longer a distraction for the time being I'm forced to face how real this desire for another child is. We are stuck on a girl's name. Maybe there is a reason behind that too. I didn't get a pregnancy that stuck until we had just the right boys name. Back then we liked the name Caroline but were stuck on a middle name. We decided not to go with that since it gets annoying when it's improperly pronounced Carolynn. But Nicholas Jacob sounds right.
Why won't my mind just let go? Pools can represent many things but they are usually associated with life changes, motherhood, and new life in my dreams. It has been a long time since I dreamt of two kids. I'm usually running away from my fears or my Mother. My mom is a judgemental person and when I am running from her it's in relation to her judgements or because of the things we need her help with like paying for Zach's school. She's not as judgemental as she used to be, it's something she has worked on, and I haven't dreamt of running away in a while either. Why am I dreaming of two kids now? Maybe this is a case of "more just like him" but I can't shake this desire and I sure have tried!
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