Feminism (edited 6/17/2013)

fem·i·nism

noun \ˈfe-mə-ˌni-zəm\

Definition of FEMINISM

1. The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

2. organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests

— fem·i·nist \-nist\noun or adjective

— fem·i·nis·tic \ˌfe-mə-ˈnis-tik\adjective

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/feminism

I used to think of myself as a Feminist but apparently I'm not allowed to since I am a stay at home Mom. I rely on a man for support so I am not considered a feminist. But Josh does treat me like an equal, not a piece of property and I refuse to be seen as anything less then his equal. Feminism is about equality. It's in the definition.

I am writing this post in response to a lot of articles I've read recently. Articles on women in the workforce as bosses, unequal pay, women cheating just as much as men, the end of men, more women deciding they don't want kids, more women keeping their maiden names, and more women deciding never to marry. All these different stories about the choices women are making has made me think about feminism and it's history.

In a way, this definition is outdated. It's from Webster's dictionary and is the original thing feminists wanted, equality. But today it seems to be more about egoism defined by Websters as:

ego·ism

noun \ˈē-gə-ˌwi-zəm, -gō-ˌi- also ˈe-\

Definition of EGOISM

1 a: a doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action
b: a doctrine that individual self-interest is the valid end of all actions

 

2 : excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance

 

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/egoism

 

My Mom could be considered an original feminist. She started working in the early '70s at what is now Verizon but had to break through a lot of ceilings to get the same things men she graduated college with got easily. She mentioned something about a Director's program and that she was told she was lucky to be a part of it after waiting a while to get in. Men she graduated with entered it upon being hired. This was still AT&T before it became New Jersey Bell then Bell Atlantic and finally Verizon. It's interesting that she was Josh's Dad's boss's boss' boss at one point. I remember going with her one night to see them fix the wires in a bucket truck. I had a special hard hat. She talked frequently about how hard these people work and how much respect she has for what they do. She even made more then my dad and he didn't mind. She was and still is his equal. He always encouraged her to do what she needed to do to reach all goals. For her generation, Feminism was about being treated as equals. My Barbie came with an office next to Ken, computer and all.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamillah-lamb/marriage-advice_b_1534586.html?ref=weddings
 

I find it funny that Egoism is a better definition of feminism for today's generation. Equality implies a sense of "we're in this together". Egoism is about the individual. An individual who only cares about themselves. But lets look back at the things women are doing today as mentioned in those articles:

 

1. women in the workforce as bosses: for a lot of women this means putting off even thinking about having a family until work goals have been achieved. Hence the name "career women". It's great that women's skills are valued more in the workforce but to get that respect family often has to be sacrificed. I also read a lot of articles about the struggles pregnant women and mother's face in the work force. Even my own mom admitted that she could have reached higher levels but wasn't willing to make those sacrifices for the sake of her family. Women are choosing to delay family for personal accomplishments. It's not a negative egotistical thing but it's still egotistical.

 

 2. unequal pay: a reasonable thing. What made sense was the article I read that stated that one reason there is an increase in women in the workforce but a decrease in men is that women are cheaper employees. Ironically, less pay means women are more likely to be working. It seems more equal when you look at the work force as a whole instead of just the one job at the same company. This independence brings an "I don't need anyone" mentality and that means she is more likely to insist on her way. If you can't give your partner their way sometimes the relationship won't work.

 

http://www.dailyfinance.com/2012/11/14/the-end-of-men-tough-times-for-everyone/

 

3. women cheating just as much as men: Cheating is selfish. It could have multiple sources but I suspect a lot of these have to do with Daddy issues. A lot of the articles I read about women who are cheating or are the mistresses involve fathers who either left or cheated on their mothers. Some of the males of our parents generation didn't know how to handle the new woman of our parents generation and while some were like my Dad and embraced it others did stupid things. Cheating dooms most relationships so some women might cheat to cover up an insecurity or vulnerability.

 

4. the end of men: by this they mean this new thing where men are more present in their kids' lives and do more then mow the lawn and take out the garbage to help around the house. That's a good thing. A drawback seems to be women today have a list of "dealbreakers" for automatic relationship enders. My list was small: no record, no harmful addictions, and respectful. I have seen some pretty long dealbreaker lists lately. No wonder men feel like they will never be good enough. You eliminate some possibly fantastic options with too many dealbreakers. Usually, they longer the list the bigger the fear of commitment. When you fear commitment you fear changing your life even a little for someone. That's egotistical.

 

 5. more women deciding they don't want kids: It's a personal choice and if that's what's best for you then whatever but if you change your mind at 38 and have trouble getting pregnant you don't have my sympathy. The reasons behind this decision usually include some variations of the same thing. These women like their lives and don't want the changes parenthood brings. Parenthood requires being selfless and if you aren't ready for that sacrifice, then it's best to not have kids anyway. I do understand that some women have good reasons for not having kids such as health or addiction and I respect that. The issue is with the women who actually believe "40 is the new 30" and act like 21 year olds long after college. To the ovaries, 40 is 40. A lot of women don't know this about fertility.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/10/fertility-decline-women-surprised-over-40-ivf_n_2273122.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/01/fashion/fertility-is-a-matter-of-age-no-matter-how-young-a-woman-looks.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

 

6. more women keeping their maiden names: It's hard to change your name. Unless you are a celebrity there isn't an unselfish reason to keep your maiden name. Your abilities, values, and personality don't change along with your name. You aren't suddenly less capable of doing your job after changing your name. When your reason is career based then your marriage is doomed since it's clear where your priorities are. I've heard a variety of reasons for not wanting to change your name but they all have a ring of fear. Mixed in the list is that 50% divorce rate I already addressed as being inaccurate thanks to drunken elopements. Explore before your marriage why this is so important to you.

Too many women think they will loose their feminist label if they take their husband's name. Ummm, that's ironic since the definition is equal and it shouldn't change the way he treats you. You don't loose your individuality when you get married unless you stop doing what you love. You should be talking to your fiance about the what you both envision life to be like, your expectations from the marriage, and how you can each maintain your individuality. If you like rock climbing you don't have to stop when you get married (but you will if you get pregnant). Another favorite feminist argument is about "ownership".

own·er·ship

 

1. : the state, relation, or fact of being an owner

 

2. : a group or organization of owners

 

it keeps referring to possession in a business or personal sense (I have my own bike). In some countries marriage would mean your husband owns you and you don't have a choice about taking his name but this is a free country and that means a woman can't be owned but can be an owner. You are still an independent woman so there is definitely some insecurity hidden in the "ownership" argument.
 

7. more women deciding never to marry: This is a mix of being a child of divorce, dislike of change in life and making enough money to provide for yourself. It could stem from the subconscious or conscious fear of divorce. These women are more likely to live with long term boyfriends for many years. Problem: other studies I have read conclude that women still do more of the housework (and if applicable parenting) then men in these situations they just can't collect alimony in a case of divorce. As much as they say a breakup from living together is easier then divorce other studies have concluded that it is very much like a divorce and that comes as a surprise to these women who think it would be easier then divorce.

On Household Chore Division:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130123144222.htm

Title Issues:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-wruble/unmarried-with-kids_b_1672893.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents

 

 

Those sound very egocentric to me. There isn't a lot of talk about equality in today's feminism articles. In almost every way we are equal. I guess now some women are aiming for better. We shouldn't have had to fight to be equal in the first place. The ultimate irony is that the thing that holds women back the most from being seen as equal is that men see that we don't treat each other as equals so they don't think of us as equals. Feminists today are too busy focusing on themselves.

I'm not built like that. There is a reason I didn't succeed when I was working and job hunting. I've never been good at promoting myself. At the gallery (Thomas Kinkade) I once had a customer who had saved up for a specific type of painting. As I was ordering, the male owner came in and talked about the financing they offer for a more expensive version of the same painting. She took it. I didn't want her to have this as a debt but he wanted the sale. It was commission based. There is a reason that job only lasted six months and I never sent out another resume.

 

As I've been saying, we all have different education and life experiences. We all need to make the decisions that best fit our needs. I'm not saying doing any of those seven things are wrong. This isn't about judging the decisions others have made. This is about examining the actual definition of feminism because I don't think that many women in my generation remember what it is. It's a good thing to be independent and have your own interests. But there is a difference between being true to yourself and wanting to be seen as equal and being so obsessed with yourself you don't want anything in your life to change or are only willing to accept being seen as superior. I prefer equality.