Rediscovering Me (Part 3 - What Now?)

This is going to be a three part series:

1. Rediscovering Me - as graduation nears
2. Mysterious Future - Summer limbo
3. What Now? - Adjusting once school starts

Starting about a year ago, I did some research. What can I volunteer to do when I can't volunteer at the school? A couple of weeks ago I applied to be on the board of the baseball organization in town. I still have not heard back about that one after the interview. I don't have a backup plan.

One plan had been to spend time learning Spanish. But, I haven't worked on that at all. I have been busy. I also have just not been in the mood for it. I might get there in the winter. But, for now, I am spending a lot of time being busy or outside just enjoying the day. I don't have a specific reason for learning it. It just seemed like an interesting thing to do. But, learning languages are very hard for me. I use what I know when needed. But, I haven't needed it.

That's the funny thing about all of this. Trying to find my identity now that it's not exclusively "Zach's mom". I still do a lot with him after school. But, the time when he is in school is for the part of me that isn't "Zach's mom". Almost two months after school has started, it's kind of funny that I am still drawn to volunteering for something for Zach.

I have always wanted to be a mom. It took three miscarriages and two years of trying to get him. Family has always been my life goal. So, it's almost like my identity was "Zach's mom" before I even met Josh. This is the life I wanted as an adult. To be a mom and a wife.

But, who am I? What defines me? My hobbies? My views? My anxiety, OCD, and processing disorder? Really, all of the above. As I try to rediscover who I am, independent from being "Zach's mom". I am finding I am not ready to loose that label yet.

What happens if the board turns me down? I already agreed to do the snack bars either way. My spring time will be filled. With more "helping with Zach stuff". But, I have been walking more. I have been thinking more. I have been able to do the things I used to do anyway. The real difference being a lot fewer overscheduled days.

I think the best way to define me is that I organize everything by seasons and months. My life revolves around season and month things. Meal planning, clothing, decorations, activities, and even my backpacks now. I use L.L.Bean backpacks like a purse. I like the space for clothing layer storage. So, I decided to treat myself to a backpack for each season. I have been glowing when using the gold fall backpack. It's nice to have something to match my cloths and jackets.

What have I learned about myself from this blog series? I've learned that just because I'm not at school doesn't mean I am not living my life around Zach. I have rediscovered how much I haven't changed. There are some things that have gone back to before Zach was born. A big one being walks with Josh. We can go out for a long walk or to do errands and leave Zach home alone now. That is the best part. But, I don't think I had to rediscover myself. This is who I have always been.