Overwhelmed

Severe OCD …..diagnosed
Severe General Anxiety Disorder …..diagnosed
Occasional Depression (PMDD) …..diagnosed
Sensory Processing Disorder …..diagnosed

Combined these are the reasons I can't work. I know from my blog dashboard that the most popular blog post is "Life With OCD, GAD, and PMDD". That talks about what these things are. But, if you are really interested in what it's like to live with this at this time of year, I'll share.

https://homewithmommy-fran.blogspot.com/2014/08/life-with-ocd-gad-and-pmdd.html

Some people think they have one or more of these things. It becomes a disorder when it controls your life. Only then do you have OCD, GAD, or Depression. Imagine all the directions I am pulled in each day because of these issues. They all are getting to be at their worst around now. It happens every year. The basis of that is the sensory processing disorder.

My senses are heightened. They always are. But, it's much stronger when I am stressed out or there is too much stimuli for me to process. All four of these issues get worse when I am stressed. I have been stressed since some time in October. Now, I am about to burst. It's worse then usual this year. Because I can't escape. Mostly.

Each day I lay down so my brain can process the morning. I put a pillow over my eyes and ears. My "sensory deprivation pillow". It usually works. But, the more stressed I am, the stronger my senses are. Making it too hard to drown things out. I can't get a moment of quiet peace. At all. Even in the middle of the night.

That's stage 1, when the senses are overloaded far beyond their normal overloaded. Stage 2 is the OCD gets stronger. I cling to the routine of my obsessions and compulsions. That calms me at first. Routine counters the chaos. The familiarity brings comfort. But, my obsessions and compulsions are time consuming, that doesn't go well with an already busy schedule.

So, on to stage 3. As the senses are roaring and the OCD is beyond uncontrollable my anxiety reaches new levels. Like a sibling searching for attention. My worries won't be ignored and my fears grow stronger. The mood swings get worse and stage 4. As the other three start making me shake I loose any control I normally have and "BAM" depression. I can't explain why I am crying when I do. I can't explain why this bothers me all of a sudden or that has been a problem for too long and needs immediate repair. All I know is suddenly, you don't know how I will respond to literally everything.

I manage all of these things by keeping stress low. I am mindful of this time of year and have built in as much comfort as I can. I have both comfort people and comfort objects. No, I don't have a stuffed teddy bear. But, I have my hats and wraps collection.

It was cold in here before. I found myself wearing a December comfort object, a poncho I made in a christmas pattern. After a couple of hours I realized I felt snuggled and calm. I have talked about this project before. It is designed for physical comfort. Just like I felt today. I have the same things for all four seasons. But, some things are changed to a different pattern monthly based on the season. I am close to finishing it. I just need a Yankee ball cap (must be New Era 9twenty) in a May appropriate color. I have to wait for that obviously. C'mon Easter!

But, it works. The hats and wraps work at calming me down when I needed to be calmed down. Josh and Zach help too. These all work, a little. Being surrounded by the paintings from my painting project and my seasonal and monthly things are a big help too. Zach asks why "everything must be seasonal or monthly". These are compulsions that help manage stress. That's why.

I'm frustrated and don't really know why. I limit commitments to the necessary but, there are a lot that are necessary. Too much stimulation. It's not safe for me to drive right now but most of the time I don't have a choice. I'm overwhelmed and it's out of my control.

Overwhelmed by the extremely heightened stimuli
Overwhelmed by my mood swings
Overwhelmed by my compulsions and obsessions
Overwhelmed by my fears, worries, and other anxieties.

Overwhelmed by my life.

Because living like this is exhausting and there isn't a way to make it stop. It will get easier to manage again. But, it will never go away. It only gets worse each year. Harder to manage each year. Takes over me just a little more each year. Frustrates me more each year.

But, I will continue my quest to find ways to manage stress. Because the only times I am okay are those moments when I am not stressed out. It will get easier when the weather gets "outside friendly" again. The space and fresh air helps manage the sensory issues. But, that has limits too. I'll be okay again. For a while. But, I don't know when I will no longer be overwhelmed.