Adjustment Time!

Eight is an interesting age.  Even after taking child development classes I have developed my own definitions of life stages. This is based on years of observations and interactions as well as the classes. As a parent, I feel more and more confident about my theories.

0 - 12 months: baby
12 months - 2 1/2 years: toddler
2 1/2 years - 5 years: Early Childhood
5 - 7 years: Middle Childhood
8 - 10 years: Late Childhood
10 - 12 years: Pre-adolescence
13 - 15 years: Early Adolescence
15 - 17 years: Middle Adolescence
17 -19 years: Late Adolescence
20 - 35 years: Young Adulthood
35 - 55 years: Middle Adulthood
55 - 75 years: Mature Adulthood
75 years - death: Late Adulthood

I classify Zach as being at the beginning of late childhood. Most developmental Psychologists don't start late childhood until the age of 9. That may have been true years ago. But, as society has changed development has too.

If there is one thing I have learned it's that parenting books mean well. However, they are full of poop! That's because every kid is different. They reach milestones at their own pace and have needs that don't always fall into the recommendations. Example, some kids need to go to bed earlier then the recommended time for their ages some later. As long as they are functioning at their best when awake, the time itself doesn't matter.

These changes don't hit right at the birthday. They come on slowly. Zach's birthday is in early June. I started noticing these changes around Halloween. They started small but are increasing.

He likes a girl. Like really likes a girl. Red face denial laugh and all! He won't say who, but it's definitely a girl! So last week we had the 8 year old version of a sex talk. Not details about sex. But, we talked about how he might start seeing someone as a different kind of friend then his other friends. They become a special friend but a different kind of special friend then his best friend.

We also talked about homosexuality. I made it clear that if that special person is a boy, he would be welcome in our home. I want Zach to feel like this is a safe space no matter where life takes him. But, his reaction to the "guessing who he likes question" has narrowed it down to three girls. All of them are awesome! Mom approves of his taste in girls!

He also asked what a curfew is. We have a town curfew and he was curious. After explaining it to him, he asked when he would have one and what it would be. When kids start middle school, or the summer before, they get a cell phone and more freedom in this town. That's when they also get curfews.

I explained to Zach that the curfews will be defined later and might change for special things like games. I reminded him that I reward responsibility with freedom even now. We need to always talk openly with each other.

He knows I have a plan. He knows that I adjust my parenting to match his changing needs. When he was is early childhood I would always say "not, until you are older" for things he was too young for. He doesn't ask that now. Because he knows I mean it when I say it. He knows he will be given more independence when he is older. But, that freedom will match his age, responsibility levels, and other needs.

It's time to adjust our parenting. The point system still works for reward and punishment. But, he's been asking for money instead. So we are developing an allowance system based on what chores are worth what. School accomplishments would count too. But, that means we need a new punishment system. I have asked him to help me develop this system. If he helped, he's more likely to follow it. Because his voice mattered.

I also have to adjust every time his voice cracks a little. It doesn't happen often, but it happens and I think it's too soon!!! But, it's technically not too soon. If it hasn't happened yet, it won't be long until the girls in his class need their first bra!

His social life is changing too. It's a bigger priority then it used to be. Cognitively, he's thriving in school! He loves the challenges third grade is bringing but has started complaining about the big projects more. Emotionally, he's more empathic and stronger at conflict resolution! Other then the start of pre-puberty changes, he's had other physical changes. He looks older and not just his size!

It's also time for the first version of the serious conversations. Just like we had stage 1 of the sex talk, we have to have those conversations about how to make good choices. Even if we don't mention drugs or alcohol yet. Start now, because if you wait until you think they may have done something, it's too late. These conversations will get modified as needed every couple of  years. But, we need to start early, have a bunch over several years, and make sure they know the line of communication is always open!

It's time to adjust to parenting a kid not a teenager but in the slow process of becoming one. It's time to adjust to a Zach that is still very much loves his family, but also enjoys the privacy his earplugs give him. It's time to adjust to a kid who refuses to cut his hair because of the girl he denies liking. Overall, it's adjustment time!