Zach starts high school this week. I'm not ready. I was 16 when Josh and I met. Zach is 14. He'll be in the building we met in and possibly even in the classroom we met in. That's not why I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the dinners alone.
For most couples, everyone is done with work and can eat dinner together. If the teenager is out, the parents eat just the two of them. If the teenager becomes a college kid away at school, the parents are still eating together each night. But Josh works from 9:30 am until just before 10:30 pm. Josh will eat the dinner leftovers when he gets home. But Zach and I are usually just the two of us for dinner. So, when Zach's out, I am alone.
I am getting a taste of that. My parents have lately invited Zach for special dinners sometimes. I can't eat beef tacos or steak anymore. So, they invite him for some favorites he can't get at home. Of course, the steak makes him sick too. He is just in denial about that. A rare day alone here and there isn't so bad. But what happens when it's five days a week?
I get periods of depression. It's one of my many mental health concerns. How will I handle the loneliness? My original backup plan was to have another kid. I'm almost 43, I can still do it. Josh reminded me I almost bled to death when Zach was born and, the doctor warned him against me being pregnant again. How can I prevent depression when I'm going to be that lonely? Don't complain about your company forcing you back to the office. Josh never in any of his jobs had "work from home" as an option.
The electives at Zach's new school are a democratic dream! Social Justice, Women's Studies, and a surprisingly long list of other things that would be labeled as "woke" and illegal in other states. I hadn't heard of some of them but feel they are great to offer. This is why New Jersey is simply the best! I know he'll be exposed to a lot of important educational topics. Real things that are important for life.
He's talking more about what activities he wants to do. In July, my mom took him to the college where my mom, dad, and brother went. She knows an Architecture professor who gave them a private tour. Zach fell in love with the school. After that, Zach decided he wants to be an Architect and will look up recommended extra-curriculars from the college website when choosing what he wants to do the next four years after school and for electives. I am proud that he has his eyes on the long-term goals and how to reach them. I am also relieved because he says he plans to live at home if he goes there.
He's getting too big too fast. He's also responsible, helpful, intelligent, handsome, and continues to be my literal dream child. I can't live without him. He's going to partially abandon me some day. How much depends on the girl he falls in love with. I'm not ready to lose him. I am one year closer to probably the worst and longest depression episode of my life. I just don't know how many years I have left with him, 4? 8? 12? More? He's about to soar, I'm about to fall. This is going to be interesting to figure out our new life. At least I have some time until then.
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