I Didn't Pray Today

I didn’t pray today

 I try to pray every day

 But, I cried half the day yesterday

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

I still believe in God

 But, I am denied what I have always wanted most

 Denied a house and a 2nd child

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

There isn’t a point to praying

 When the prayers you need answered most are ignored

 I am angry and frustrated about this

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

See, my son is 9 and getting big

 Off to middle school next year

 It hurts how badly I want a little one again

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

My parents are moving

 Out of the house I grew up in

 No house for me after that

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

Others get these things

 Basics most expect

 I will never know why I am being denied

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

Will I ever pray again?

 Probably

 When I am ready

 But, I didn’t pray today

 

And I won’t

 Because my heart is breaking

 For denied dreams

 So, I didn’t pray today

 

That's a poem I wrote for a facebook group I am in. An Episcopalian group. Most of the commenters said positive and uplifting things. They offered to pray for me, empathy and other words of encouragement. Others were more negative. That's how facebook rolls.

 

Some background. We will never be able to afford a house or a second child. All of my life I have always wanted a soulmate husband, a house, and two kids.  I have tried many times over the years to let the dreams for a second child and a house go. But, that's hard to do and sometimes things get painful.

 

I love Josh and Zach with all of my heart. Zach is the light of my life. I have a nice apartment. But, it's small. Sometimes it seems smaller then others.

 

As I watch Zach with his cousins, ages 3 and under, I very much miss being the mommy to a kid that age. I'm a loving aunt. But, it's a very different roll. He loves them and my heart feels like it is missing a piece. Zach is my heart, yet it feels like there should be more to it.

 

My parents are quickening the pace for getting rid of things from their house. They have chosen a 50+ complex they like and have two realtors on the lookout for the kind of apartment they want. It could be a year or a week or anything in between.

 

Last weekend they were giving away pieces from the family fancy dinner set. It's 100+ years old and I get the bulk of it when my mom dies. I was supposed to have a house with enough room to keep them in a cabinet. Enough room to entertain. But, that will never happen. They will be kept safely stored. Hopefully people will come when I try to entertain for thanksgiving.

Edit: I talked to my parents. I can have the hutch in the dining room. It's a great size for the dishes. I am certain it will fit in the kitchen if I move the table. That problem has been solved! Well, probably. I'll measure things on Sunday.  
 

This is the pain of low income living. Basics that everyone else around me has, we will never be able to afford. Why does God bless people with kids who kill their kids but deny a loving mother like me a second child? I will never know. Why did God make me want a second child to begin with?

 

Zach is so big and getting bigger. I still hear his squeals of laughter as he runs away. The "chase me" game from when he was his cousin's age. I want those sounds in my life again. To sweep that child up in my arms and offer hugs and kisses.

 

I did pray today. I wrote that poem yesterday. Because most of my prayers are for those I love. So, I did it for them. Not for me. I don't know if I will pray tomorrow. But, I might.

 

Some people mentioned to list what I am grateful for. I do that in my prayers already. It doesn't work when a piece of your heart is missing. That's it plain and simple. Zach is my heart but I still feel like there should be more. I am not whole and never will be. So, yesterday, I didn't pray. But, I did pray today.

 

Will I pray tomorrow? I don't know. But, it won't be for me if I do.