Honest and Complete Communication

There is one key thing about our marriage that only makes it stronger. I always say honest and complete communication is the most important part to a healthy relationship of any sort. Here is an example of the level of honest and complete communication I am talking about.

I spent the last four days in an OCD planning bubble. I have brimmed beach hats for Spring, June, July, August, and Fall. I also made winter hats for Fall, December, January, February, and Spring. Recently, I have started making cowls and heavier hats for December, January and February. But the OCD kicked in. What would I use for June, July and August that are comparable to the heavy hats and cowls?

You're probably bored already. Poor Josh had to hear me spend four days getting to this:

I have a couple of sarongs. They are cheap. I also have visors in the garage. They are better for when it's hot enough to need a pony tail and still need the shade of a brim. For them, I have all I need in the garage. There you go for the summer months!

I think I averaged four to six hours a day talking only about this dilemma. It's the OBSESSION part of OCD. But, as we went along, I reminded him of the following:

I don't expect you to give me an opinion on anything. If you have one, share it. But, we both know what I'm really doing is sorting through these thoughts out loud. I appreciate that you are letting me do that. I won't expect you to remember much about what I am saying. I understand that this is the part you'll remember:

I have to help look for the visors in the garage.

I also know you are already scanning your brain for where you put them (Josh is in charge of organizing the garage). I love you for that.

You are probably thinking one or both of the following:

1. What's a sarong and/or cowl?

2. NONE of that is necessary. You just need one of each!

A sarong is a wrap usually used as a swim suit cover up. A cowl is basically a scarf with the ends sewn together. It works like a scarf without the "feeling strangled" part. I have been using some beautiful yarn to make them.

None of that might seem necessary to you. It's how my OCDed mind has always worked. I've always sorted things by months and seasons too. Even as a child. It's how my mind makes sense of the world.

Josh says he doesn't mind me sorting my thoughts out loud to him. As long as I don't expect him to remember it. But it only works if I tell him what I expect form him up front. I know he'll remember the visors. We both know he'll only remember what I have put out for the current month. That's because that is what he'll see whenever he enters our room.

I know most relationship communication doesn't go that much like the above interactions. That's because an OCD mind works differently. Sometimes one partner could be talking to the other partner expecting opinions and responses. If they are talking a lot, the other partner might just listen and assume they are being used as a "sounding board". In that scenario, the talking partner usually gets mad by the lack of participation from the listening partner.

It's important to be honest and complete when communicating your expectations. It's also important to do that before you start. It makes a big difference. No one is a mind reader. If they love you, they can do what you need. But, you have to tell them what you're looking for first.

 By expressing my expectations before sorting through my thoughts, Josh didn't get annoyed by all that "girly talk". He'll do the same with me sometimes. It only works when the communication is honest and complete. Expectations need to be clear from the beginning.