I have a friend who's single. He's had a rough time with dating. Last year was particularly rough on him! It had me thinking about what kind of girl would be a great match for him. There are three things about him that are very important to him. A relationship couldn't work with someone who didn't fit with these three things. These are the things who make him who he is.
1. He's catholic. We're talking church every Sunday even in summer catholic. But he believes in marriage equality and birth control. It's not that he needs a girl who's catholic too. He just needs a girl with similar beliefs. Episcopalians work as do most Christian religions. A Jewish girl would work too if she lets him have a Christmas tree. We know that from his Jewish roommate.
2. He's a U Mass Alumni and very much shows it. His apartment has UMass logos everywhere. She can't just tolerate or be neutral about UMass, she has to like UMass or love it. But there is a compromise. Maroon and white are the colors so that can be a decorating color theme without the logos everywhere. I suspect the colors comfort him so the logo part is negotiable but the colors aren't.
3. She has to be a Democrat! He has a life size cut out of Obama in his room. He understands that even a woman who supports Obama will probably have him get rid of it. But he feels strongly about his political values. A Republican wouldn't work with him! You can remove the cut out, not the beliefs!
He's a smart, funny, and interesting guy. He also has a good job. He's not looking for his future wife at a bar. He's trying young professional groups, church socials, and basically every dating website there is. Other friends try to fix him up all of the time.
The problem with that is they are just asking themselves "is she single?" The Atheist was nice but definitely a bad idea. If you are going to fix a friend up, it's important to think about the things most important to them. What are the deal breakers?
I'm generally not a fan of deal breakers. Sometimes they are used by those scared of commitment to keep potential partners at arms length. But some deal breakers are important. They include basics like "not abusive" and "supportive of my decisions".
Deal breakers are more about the things in your life you will never be able to give up. D is a great guy. I was surprised when some of these women weren't interested in him.
Smart
Funny
Good job
Close to his family but not unhealthy close
Doesn't smoke
Likes to experience new things
Wants commitment
Never married
No kids but loves kids and wants to be a father
Isn't that what most single women our age say they are looking for? They all liked him but weren't attracted to him. He mentioned that they might be "out of his league". So there was only one suggestion left to make.
I told him that when he's looking at a girl's profile picture he should hold his picture up next to her's. Do they look like they belong together? I think most couples that belong together look like they belong together. I'm not saying they look alike. But when you see them together you think "they are a couple". Even in the early picture of our relationship Josh and I look like we belong together!
I think that's an idea anyone struggling with dating can consider. Some might even have a close friend that people mistake for their boyfriend or girlfriend all of the time. If so, perhaps it's time to take the hint and go on a date!
I hope he finds the right girl this year. I hope everyone looking for their soul mate finds that person. It's important to have someone that appreciates the things in your life that make you who you are. It's important to be honest from the beginning. The right person won't be scared away. These deal breakers should go on D's profile for these dating sites. They say something real about him.
Don't compromise on the deal breakers that make you who you are. Don't say and do things because you think that's what the other person wants. The truth always comes out. Be honest with yourself from the beginning about the things you won't be able to compromise on forever.
Deal breakers like "must bring me flowers once a month" are meant to keep potential partners at arm's length. If this is similar to your deal breakers, you're not ready for commitment. There isn't anything wrong with that. Just be honest about that on your first date.
Religion and politics are important. Those values have to be similar. Otherwise, you get too much disagreement for the relationship to be sustainable. Dating is hard. It's important to not just "take anyone who'll have me". Those relationships don't last. We all deserve better. We all deserve someone who appreciates us for who we are. Don't compromise on that. Compromise in general is a good thing. But those are the things that make you who you are. They aren't up for negotiation.
I'm very happily married. I have a lot of friends who ask how I knew Josh was the one. We got together too young for me to have deal breakers at the time. But I'm an observant person. For years I have learned about what dating is like through friends, strangers, and reading. I don't plan on dating myself. But I want to help my friends who are having trouble.
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