Mid-Life Transitions

 I'm 44, I'm pretty sure what I am going through now is a healthy version of a mid-life transition. I also have a theory that would basically confirm this. We all go through mid-life transitions. It's not usually the stereotypical "sports car" kind of thing. When Josh was about 40, he seemed to have his. I asked my mom about what my dad's was like at that time. She said around 47 he decided to live a simpler life. It was more of a drastic and permanent life change than my dad thinks it was. 

That brings me to my theory. Nature has programed us humans to have a life span. Studies have shown genetics is connected to longevity more than outside factors. Barring something unforeseen like murder, early terminal illness, or accident, my theory is how long we will live is determined in the womb as our DNA is connecting. Just look at the family math to confirm. 

Dad, age 47, mid-life would mean he dies at age 94. His mom lived to age 87 and his dad lived to age 96 (almost 97). His eldest sister is around age 87 now. This isn't so far-fetched to say he can make 94. He'll be uncomfortable and a mixture of grumpy and happy. But he doesn't have the kind of health issues that would affect life span. 

My mom was 75 when she died. That meant her mid-life transition was at age 37. Now, I was 5 and my brother was 1 so we are useless in figuring out if that theory held up. I asked my dad, and he didn't remember any changes. That doesn't mean they didn't happen, just that she was good at keeping any mental battles inside. 75 matches the average life span for her family. 

If I'm right about Josh, he'll make 80. He has Hydrocephalies and they kept being wrong about predicting when he'll die. He's outlived all predicted ages. But his mom is 78 and his dad is almost 80. I don't know the average ages of death for his grandparents. I love my in-laws and hope they stick around a lot longer. 

Which brings me to my age 44 meaning I will die at 88. If you look at my mom's 75 and my dad's 94, 88 is an actual genetic possibility! It's worth documenting this now. I tend to have a creepy 6th sense about death so, I am curious if someone were to research this if my theory is correct. 

On to what makes me think I am in my mid-life transition:

My degree is in Dance. For many years, I would do dance and sometimes gym routines, one song for each activity. Some routines had a bunch of activities but usually I did the 6-activity type. I started that in High School, stopped when pregnant, and went back to it when Zach was about 1. 

I used to snap him in his highchair in the kitchen close to the living room at the condo and he'd watch me do my "mommy routines". Once, he wiggled a locked highchair to the side slightly and pulled a pop tart out of the pantry when I was turning as part of an exercise. Literally a few seconds and I look to see him bending over to take a bite of the pop tart. I still mathematically can't figure out how he did all of that in about 30 seconds. It's one of his favorite baby stories. 

I even did a blog post on these routines, "Zach's in school and Mommy Dances" when he started preschool. But I have fractured my foot a lot and decided to stick to walking only when he was around age 5. Starting in May, I had to do physical therapy for my back and knee. The therapist encouraged me to do the very things I used to do. So, I have created a bunch of new routines (4 things only per routine) and have been feeling good exercising every day. 

It's been 10 years since I have done these things. Creating these routines have been so good for me and I look forward to them! I feel about them like I did when I was in high school and locked the door to my bedroom doing these very things. In college I would go to an empty studio sometimes to do these routines. This is how I have controlled stress most of my life. 

I had thought the dancer part of me was in the past. I'm the cookbook-authoring and amateur horticulturist mom. But I have always been a mover. My mom said when she was pregnant with me, she would sit on the beach, and I would kick so hard you could see the outline of my foot. It's literally been the biggest part of my identity since I formed feet. Dance classes starting at age 5 (when my mom was mid-life) were really just feeding the part of me that has always been the biggest part of me. 

Feeding Family: From My Table To Yours: Schroeder, Fran, Schroeder, Zachary: 9798398614985: Amazon.com: Books

I think this is my mid-life transition because it's rediscovering the part of my identity that has been dormant. Like basically everything in my yard, it was always present, just dormant. Now it's free. I am free. It's ironic because the name Frances means "free". If you like astrology I'm a Virgo if that helps. 

Isn't that what a mid-life transition is, rethinking what you want your life to be? Freeing your mind to rediscover the past parts of you that are still inside of you? 

There is one thing that might prove me right about my mom having a mid-life transition at age 37. A favorite part of my childhood was our "girl nights". My mom would take me shopping. It usually was in August for back-to-school clothing. We got dinner out and spent a few hours just us. My parents were always great about making time to be alone with each of us. I think she started this when I was 5. 

Maybe she chose to do it because she was rethinking her life and decided she wanted to make time to be alone with all of us. Family was always the most important thing to her throughout her life. Doing this was clearly something she enjoyed as well.  

The Winter Yard

 I spend from Memorial Day weekend through right before Thanksgiving on upgrading my yard. I'm still waiting on some mulch and replacement walkway slates near the central air unit, due this week. But, for all intents and purposes, it's done..............or is it?

I had planned on timing my yard based on when things bloom. As some things in an area are in their glory, others are not. Even if they are still blooming. But I had assumed winter would be a time for dormancy. The things that should be bare, are bare. The perennials have been cut back to store energy. The ground spent several days frozen (it's thawed again but that's because nature can't make temperature decisions). I had assumed this would be the time for nothing to go on but changing the artificial flowers in the places I plant annuals. 

Perhaps there never is a time for true dormancy. I am still learning a few things. The 'Superform' Norway Maples were the last to lose all their leaves. As my camera turned to the trees, I realized I had mis-identified them. Previously, I thought they were 'Princeton Gold' Norway Maples. Through research I have corrected that error to 'Superform' Norway Maple. 

Will little plants left to observe, I find myself studying my Andromedas. In the back is a 'Prelude' Andromeda. It's not as interesting as the two in the front. See, those two have a story. I love it when the yard has a story!

We got them in August in what is matching plant beds. The are surrounded by alternating 'American Gold Rush' Black-Eyed-Susans and 'Dutch Master' Daffodils. I had THOUGHT they were the same species. After all, they looked the same. I THOUGHT they were BOTH 'Dorothy Wycoff' Andromedas.

Corner Andromeda Bed

Driveway Andromeda Bed

By mid-October the Andromeda by my neighbor's driveway was turning a little red. I had worried about the health of the Andromeda by the street corner when they no longer looked alike. The landscaper reassured me both were healthy. Their leaves droop and turn yellow as it gets colder for winter protection. 

Driveway Andromeda (see the reddening buds?)

Corner Andromeda (slightly reddening but not as much.)

But for a while they look like the picture below. That was taken 3 days ago. Worried, I ran to the nursery asking what's wrong. 

The Corner Andromeda

The Driveway Andromeda

It turns out, they are different species. Meet the 'Mountain Fire' Andromeda. placed in from of the 'Bloodgood' Japanese Maple that has red leaves during growing season. The red side of the yard. 

And the 'Dorothy Wycoff' Andromeda placed in front of the 'Green Mountain' Sugar Maple with its green leaves during growing season. The green side of the yard. 

To be fair, they did look identical when we first got them! Both are healthy. Doing what they are supposed to do in winter. This information has brought me peace! But those aren't the only things going on. 

Zach went with me on a yard tour two days ago. It had been too long, and my new Andromeda knowledge made me want to look around closely. It was nice to show him the perennials so he can keep an eye on them. the 'Intermedia' Forsythia is a hybrid species. If you look closely at the buds, some have green and some have red. All flowers will be yellow but, the leaves were mixed color. He thought that was cool. I showed him where the bulbs are so he can be on the lookout. I showed him how the Dwarf Alberta Spruce is almost at the gutter but won't touch it, it's basically full sized. We talked about how the Boxwoods are the most generic plant but, we need things that don't bloom or produce berries in addition to the other things. I showed him the red-leafed Azalea and the buds on it and talked about how it will turn green during growing season. 

But the part that interested him the most, On the 'Green Mountain' Sugar Maple, I showed him the ends of the branches. The ends are darker, where growth occurs during warmer weather. He didn't realize the tree worked like that. He asked for a spring yard tour in April to see the changes. 

I will be looking throughout the winter. My guess is that the yard will continue to hold surprises, new knowledge, and never really stop having something going on. 

Election 2024 Aftermath

 On Wednesday people kept checking in on me. I avoided the news too. I was in shock. It was like when Princess Diana died. I couldn't believe it was real. I focused on the good things going on:

1. Preparing our plans for what to do when after Thanksgiving to prepare for Christmas

2. Invite and plan our New Year's Eve dinner to celebrate Josh's birthday and Guiney Pig my in-laws for baked ham. I have never made it but have my mom's recipe. I'm making it for Easter and need to test things. The meal plan is similar to when my mom hosted New Year's Eve. 

3.  Zach's 1,110 on the PSAT score arrived yesterday. 

Basically, I focused on family. I also reflected. Last time he was president I can't blame all of our problems on him. I can blame almost all. But not the biggest one. That is no longer an issue. Last time we lived in the condo and had run out of space and had very nosy neighbors. Like, one said "I saw you on your couch the other day, what were you doing?" (answer: crocheting). Another would come sit on his still and watch my window whenever I walked by like I was a TV show. 

Now, we are in a house and have fabulous neighbors. My yard looks the way I want it, we have an irrigation system to make watering easier starting in the spring, and the inside looks great too! It's a significantly improved living situation! 

I started thinking about what Trump said and what the next few years will be like. Here are some thoughts. 

1. Biden has nothing to lose. Juice the supreme court and term limit kick out Thomas and Alito replacing them. Senate can help too now without the house. Trump-proof the country!

2. So, Trump won't pull off this dictator goal for one big reason. Even if republicans control both the House and Senate, he won't get the votes. Too many of them want to be president themselves and have been waiting him out. They won't give up their own ambitions. 

3. He's lazy. He told people what they wanted to hear but is only likely to actually follow through on things that benefit him, his kids, and his business. Last time he took the actions he thought he needed for re-election. This time he is lame and a lame-duck the entire time. He also isn't stupid and knows he might die of natural causes while in office. Being narcissistic, he's only going to pursue what benefits him. Other than that, it'll be all talk no action. 

4. Democrats are going to have an easier time in local races! 2018 repeat! 

5. Research has shown that what did it was the high grocery bills. Voters ignored that a large portion of the country got raises under Biden and that a lot of those costs were due to nature, outside war, and other factors no one in American can control. 

Inflation is coming down but still high. I did a post 4 years ago: For Democrats to Win, Progressive Have to Lose. Those bills passed early on in Biden's presidency to please Progressives; voters are openly blaming them for the high inflation and the high prices. The lesson that will save the democratic party is to take my advice. Moderate is what wins, don't cater to Progressives. Kamala tied herself by catering to progressives in winter of 2020. She never shook that. 

A Walk Around My Yard

     We have done a lot of things this year around my property. Tomorrow morning the landscaper puts down the last two things. One of them is pathway slates but the final plants will be yellow daffodil bulbs. This is a "walk" around. It's the "yard tour" I take. A set path the takes me around everything. I do the same thing inside with my pictures and paintings. 

    A lot of these plants were at my house growing up. They hold sentimental value. I remember being put in leaf bags to squish the leaves down, jumping in leaf piles, and wandering the property like I do now. Letting my mind wander while getting lost in the plants. 

    I try to set it up where there is always or almost always something happening. Sometimes you have to look closely to see it. But that's the best part. Finding nature's hidden surprises. My current and past subscriptions to Fine Gardening have helped along the way. All of this made possible with the help of a new irrigation system! 

This is my "Sunny Daylily Bed". It's in the back next to the grill along my new patio (picture at the end). There is a story. They are alternating "Stella D'Oro" Daylilies and "Bright Sunset" Daylilies. I had my species confused. This bed was a mess, and we were starting from scratch. But my favorite perennial was there and removed. I confused 'Orange' Daylilies with 'Bright Sunset'. The ones blooming are 'Bright Sunset' daylilies. A happy accident. Here is a closer look. 

This is my "Fine Gardening Bed". 

'Walker's Low' Catmint (planted last year)

'Autumn Joy' Sedum (came with the house)

'Walker's Low' Catmint (planted in early September so next year it will be the same size as the other)

'Diane' Rose of Sharon (planted in May, summer blooming)

So, in 2013 or 2014 Fine Gardening did an article on powerhouse super-hardy plants that grow under a lot of conditions. The Catmint and Sedum I have were featured in that article. At the time, I got one of each for the condo. It took some thinking before I landed on the second Catmint next to the Rose-of Sharon. I searched the Fine Gardening website and didn't find the Rose of Sharon in it. It probably is somewhere though. If not, it should be! 

These sprouts will be my 'Orange' Daylilies:

They are Zach and my favorite perennial. We had them at my house growing up and they always were special to me. We had to get rid of these behind the grill (we added bricks and pushed the grill back). But it was important to me to make sure to have them!

This Hydrandia came with the house but was moved. 'Stella D'Oro' Daylilies used to be here but we got rid of them. This grew a lot this year and blooms blue flowers in the summer. 

 Can you see my 'Intermedia' Forsythia? If not, that's okay. It "hides in plain sight". My "spy" shrub! Forsythias are my favorite shrub. I always knew I wanted one at the house and it took until this May to find a good place for it. My bedroom window as a kid faced the driveway. Our neighbors had a row of Forsythias that hung over our driveway. I loved them so much! I see this from my office!

My 'Superform' Norway Maples. The species is a best guess based on research. This is tied for my favorite tree. Another plant from my childhood home. This one was my special secret as a kid. A neighbor had one and two saplings were growing between shrubs at our place. I'm the only one that saw the saplings because of my yard exploring. They are big now and beautiful. These came with the house and yes, are one of the things that drew me to the house. 

Believe it or not, these 'Fragrant Bouquet' Hostas are under the Norway Maples. I had ordered some plants on Amazon but the Hostas got delated in transit. Knowing Home Depot got some in recently, I ran there and got these! Don't worry, I'll tell you at the end about my deer trick. It's not perfect but, it's the best I have seen so far! 

I have pots all around the property. 16 places for annuals. This is 8 of them. While mums are technically perennials, they are treated as annuals by most people. Mums are tied with 'Antigua Gold' Marigolds (below) for my favorite annuals. 'Antiqua Gold' Marigolds are the first plant I planted in my own garden in 2008. Of course, later that season, when planting the Hyacinth bulbs, I lost a fight to a rock on the day I apparently started to grow more than plants! Zach was that treasure! 

This bed is my "White Bed" It's longer so I'll show you this in three pictures. 

 

If you look in the five holes you can see three sets of leaves. Those are 'Joan Senior' Daylilies and will be white. Between them are two 'Stainless' Daffodil bulbs. Also, white. Again, I try to time the yard, so something is almost always happening. These daylilies were from Amazon. These Daylilies, like the 'Orange' Daylilies arrived as "bare roots" plants. Those are the roots with bulbs but not as a root ball. It's okay, they are dormant anyway now but taking root. The flowering part is in those bulbs. They will be small the first year but will grow and spread. I am worried about one of them but remnants or a broken stem show that plant is healthy. 

Between the bunny sculptures is the 'Prelude' Andromeda. The center of the whole white bed. It's a dwarf Andromeda but at my childhood home we have a regular sized Andromeda. The white bell flowers always interested me, and it was next to the path leading to a neighbor's yard. We were friends with those neighbors. 

This was taken in August. It's a summer blooming vine and is quite dormant now! It's a Chinese Trumpet Vine that came with the house. 

This is my "Annuals Bed". 

Boxwood (came with the house)

Annuals (Mums and Ornamental Peppers)

'Goldstrum' Black-Eyed Susan (I planted soon after moving in)

Daffodil (Came with the house)

Dwarf Alberta Spruce (with the house)

The annuals are on a rotation, and I do have some artificials to fill the spaces when nothing is blooming. 

Pink Artificials (Early March)

Purple Pansies

'Antiqua Gold' Marigolds

Mums and Celosias (sub: Asters or Ornamental Peppers)

Mums and Cabbage (sub: Kale or Ornamental Peppers)

Orange Artificials

Red Artificials

Light Blue Artificials

Purple Artificials (just if the soil is thawed at the start of February)

My pots by the stairs (Mums and Ornamental Peppers). The other side of the stairs have a pumpkin on each step. 

My "Tree Bed" 

'Stainless' Daffodil

'Fantasy Pocahontas' Anemone 

'Walker's Low' Catmint

'Francee' Hostas (were the ones ordered that got stuck in transit)

Cherry Tree (with the house)

Azalea (with the house)

Boxwood (with the house)

There is a story behind the Anemone:

I got it at Home Depot when I got the "Fragrant Bouquet" Hostas. I had so much trouble finding a plant to go there! Some were a different size at full size then the tag said. I looked this species up in the store though. In the Sept/Oct 2013 issue of Fine Gardening they did a special on pink fall plants. That's what this is (although not in the article) and I love it! 

This faces a main street in town. They are Laurels that came with the house. Their leaves turn red in the fall. For the first time, I see berries! Deer usually eat them but, my trick helps, and the berries are a nice surprise!

This is the 'Bloodgood' Japanese Maple. Its leaves will turn crimson before falling but this is its regular season color. We had an Ash that was infested so, it got cut down and I got to remodel the main lawn!

The rocks are covering a French drain that was put in. We no longer get flooding in the basement. Since this picture grass seed was planted over the gravel the slates are on. 

 My "Driveway Bed" because it is near the neighbor's driveway. 

'Dorothy Wycoff' Andromeda (center)

'American Gold Rush' Black-Eyed Susans

Tomorrow yellow Daffodil bulbs get planted between the Black-Eyed Susans

This was taken in August. They are still blooming but not this pretty. 

This is the middle of the main yard (Laurels in back) that pot will change with the annuals.

The "Corner Bed" because we are a corner house, and this is on the corner. It is the same as the Driveway bed. 

This is the 'Green Mountain' Sugar Maple tied with the Maples in the back as my favorite! Red and orange leaves are captivating! Like literally I have seen people accidentally turn down the side street because they were looking at it. I call it my "shut me up" maple. 

Back in the back yard, here is my "Found It! Bed" by the nook (the one the vine is on). So, remember when I mentioned those removed daylilies and my bare roots daylilies? It's called propagating. They are wild and roots, bulbs and all, can grow near but not necessarily with the original plant. We got rid of a lot of Daylilies but, these were nearby the old ones. 

The one in the center is an 'Orange' Daylily founds in the rock bed near the grill. The sides are the 'Stella D' Oros' found near the Forsythia! They have plenty of bulbs so plenty of promise for flowers! 

My two pots near the nook.

This is my new patio! My office is just in the sliding doors. Perfect since most of my work involves the yard! 

Finally, the deer trick. Deer hates the smell of mint. So, I get loose mint from the produce section of the grocery store and strategically place it on the flowers or leaves of favorite plants! If placed right, they leave the plant alone! You do have to lay fresh mint at least once a week but, it mostly works! The one time it didn't work for me was because of where I placed the mint on the mums. They stay away from the purple mums though. It's been the most effective thing I have tried! 

Me, My Mom, and the Beach

 When I think about a perfect example of "compromise" I think about family summer vacations at the Jersey Shore. Ocean City, NJ is a dry city. It is mostly safe and a family friendly place. We have run into people from our town while on vacation there. A lot of people from here go to Ocean City. We have gone there most summers of my life for vacation. I couldn't go last year and the year before because I couldn't eat at restaurants. But something odd happened after my mom died 6 months ago. A few of the foods that used to make me sick don't anymore. I still have a lot of issues. But I have been enjoying eating out again! So, last week we went back to the shore. For the first time ever without my mom. 

My mom discovered Ocean City on a business trip one October in the 80's. She loved the beach. I never was a fan of the beach. It's beautiful but the sand bothered me. As a kid, my dad always worded it like this, "we go to the beach in the morning for mom and (my brother) and the pool after lunch for us." As an adult, I only went to the beach for Zach's first experience on the beach at age 2. I didn't want to miss that! I think I walked a few steps in it in the summer of 2019. 

2011, Zach age 2

When Zach was small, he spent the morning at the beach with my parent's and the afternoon at the pool with me and Josh. We used to take this vacation every year with my parents. After the pandemic, my mom and Zach went alone. They had the time of their life! Below is a picture now framed in my family room. Zach has been intrigued by sand since the first step on the beach in 2011. When he was 6, in 2015, my mom captured him exploring how sand texture is different near the water. Even this year he fiddled with the sand while we talked on the beach. My mom absolutely LOVED to build sand boats!

Zach age 6, 2015

This year, Zach and I walked on the beach after breakfast each morning. We walked down to where my family would set up on the beach during those first years. As a kid we only moved our family beach area once that first hotel either closed or became condos. This year, Zach and I sat and talked. I watched the waves while Zach played in the sand while we talked. I usually have a favorite quiet spot on the boardwalk for watching the waves. But this was a lot better! The below waves picture is my new wallpaper on everything. Replacing something that has been up for years! After talking, I would walk ankle deep into the ocean and feel the waves. Just like I did 35 years ago! With the sensory processing disordered these sensations actually heighten the experience and make it more peaceful. 

Zach age 15, 2024 my age 43 :) He's 5'10.5" I'm 5' 2"

The past 8 months I have been wrapped up in landscape design at the house. We have a little left but, I walk the property multiple times a day. Watching those waves, I did what most people do and self-reflected. Nature is my greatest comfort object. Most of my monthly and seasonal themes are nature based. So are what I considered seasonal colors. It's like medicine for me, nature. 

The other themes are holiday based. Most of my paintings and pictures are landscapes or with nature in the background. Only 5 out of 82 aren't with nature in the background. Those are portraits of my great-grandparents, Zach's school picture, a picture of Zach and me making Christmas cookies, and a giggling one-year-old Zach playing with a Santa hat secured in his highchair while Josh set up the Christmas tree. 

I took more pictures than before this vacation. It was a nice mix of wonderful memories of my mom and enjoying each other. I am enjoying my yards more too. The landscapers come next week and might actually finish what's left! 

Where I live, we can see most of what nature has to offer with the changing seasons. Nature's beauty in many of its forms. But we can't see a desert or a beach. For the first time in my life, I cherished deeper than before this part of nature I rarely experience up close. My mom's spirit was with us this vacation. I felt her presence. She helped me change the beach from a loving-sister and daughter compromise to something I appreciate. Zach played a lot of mini golf with Josh. But, each morning, we had our special time on the beach. I look forward to the beach again next year.  

I always say nature beauty is God's gift. It can heal your soul, uplift your mood, and connect you to a part of yourself you need connecting with.